Happiest

December 2011
I am the luckiest.

In Sunday school we veered away from our usual topic (which is whatever the sermon is about) because there was no sermon during the Hanging of the Greens service. We also talked about steps to become a reconciling community and how our Thanksgivings were. But toward the end one friend asked a question she asked during Thanksgiving -- what's a day in your life where you remember being your happiest?

I did not answer. Others talked about unexpected free days with nothing to do/nothing planned. My answer has to do with my babies. And this friend who asked the question happens to be walking through a time of infertility. I remember what it feels like and wouldn't want to blindside her. I remember the offhand remarks people made when it took so long for me to become pregnant. (Specifically cutting, and probably something I've mentioned on here before: "you know, Mari, babies grow up," as if I only wanted a baby and didn't ACTUALLY want all that parenting entails.)

It's hard to pin down a specific day, but my happiest times were sitting in my nursing chair with a new-ish baby. I was on maternity leave with Jane, had no responsibilities other than keeping her alive, and I was good at that. I had a great, still-new-to-me back yard view, the temperatures were nice after she was born and stayed cool/comfortable for a while. (Weather affect my mood more than I'd like to admit I think.)

I remember my girls' early babyhood as happy and content times in my life. Livia's is less vivid in my memory, probably because the juggle with Jane and that transition takes up some of the computer memory space of my brain's hard drive. But I know the bone-deep joy from caring for the baby you created, carried and birthed. And that was certainly my happiest time, even with sleep deprivation that I know I was experiencing simultaneously.

Speaking of happy -- I got a lot of happy birthday wishes on social media, mainly Facebook. It STILL kills me that some people write "Happy Birthday, Mary" even though my name is RIGHT THERE. That Indiahoma education for you I guess... For the last 2 years or more I have not written anything on most people's Facebook pages for their birthdays. There are exceptions - immediate family mainly, and even then I probably post ABOUT them and tag them on my wall. (Of course people I am close with in real life get a direct email or text birthday wish!) But seeing the cross-section of people on my life who remembered me (even when it was just Facebook saying "hey, it's this dummy's birthday") made me feel a little happier actually. So perhaps I should resume the ritual of "HBD" on others' walls. MAYBE...

Books for a Younger Me

© 2007 Heather R, Flickr | CC-BY-SA | via Wylio

We've joined a new Sunday school class, and it's still trying to find its footing. We left our previous class after the sabbatical mainly because we wanted a more progressive study of Scripture. I know it's hurt some feelings, and I am disappointed because I loved the people in our previous class and have deep relationships with them. We still see them, of course, our church isn't so big that you can really avoid anyone if you wanted. But it's a different season in our life and things change. Minneapolis certainly changed us.

Anyway, in the new class we're trying out different things and one we're considering is The Wired Word, a resource that takes current events and turns them into Sunday school lessons. For $80/year the leader gets a weekly email with a LOT of information plus discussion questions about 2-3 topics. The one we looked at this last week was about books and their impact on us as people of faith.

One of the questions that stumped me was something like "What book (other than the Bible) do you wish you'd read at a younger age?" Others in the class had good answers, but because of my Swiss cheese memory and despite being a pretty voracious reader, I couldn't think of a good answer. Even now a few days later I don't have a single book I could point to. (One that did come to mind but is not the point is my favorite breastfeeding book by Dr Jack Newman and how I wish I'd had that resource when I was in my nursing relationship with Jane!)

Something I wish I had been more aware of is the colonization of Native Americans in our country. I grew up in a place called Indiahoma, i.e. home of the Indians, and had many classmates and friends who were of Native descent. My attitudes toward them were not always fair, especially when they received school supplies and shoes from the government. Knowing what I do now changes my perspective significantly. But I'm not sure a kid brain could process it fully? But I certainly could have been a less snotty little kid to others!

There's no one book I can point to that's shifted my thinking on this or other matters. But I have read books! I also follow people on social media, especially Twitter, who open my eyes to others' experiences and how words and actions matter.

I signed up to be a Reconciling United Methodist today (who knew you could do that?!), and I think the new Sunday school class will work together to gain a reconciling designation as well. It's a small step toward a reconciling CONGREGATION, which I don't see happening for our church any time soon as much as I wish it would. I will continue to seek steps to seek justice and reconciliation for all people within the United Methodist Church.

Flexibility, Lack Thereof

© 2006 herval, Flickr | CC-BY | via Wylio

As a parent I should be used to last-minute changes of plan, and I guess I am. But I will never LIKE them. I like to plan things and get way too upset when things don't go the way I expected them to.

Jane has stayed home from school three of the five days this week, including today. I had to get groceries Tuesday evening rather than during the day as I'd planned, after I had to pick up Jane early from school (talking 8:30 a.m. early). (Thankfully Shawn wasn't on his trip yet.)

She rallied enough to go to to school on Wednesday, Halloween, because they could wear their costumes. But she didn't wear hers long, she said. She got hot and took it off (the rule was they had to wear uniforms under costumes, which is a good rule). The nurse called me at 2:30, just before carpool, to say Jane was still sick, but it wasn't fever, just cough and elevated pulse.

We took her trick-or-treating around our neighborhood, and she mostly rode in the stroller. It's tough pushing a 50+ pound kid! Liv didn't complain, although we did take turns carrying her since her stroller was occupied. For a while Jane said she didn't want to trick-or-treat, so I was dealing with my disappointment about missing it. I was glad she rallied enough for that, although I know she is really sick because she STILL hasn't sorted her candy!

Since she did trick-or-treating, I took her to school on Thursday, but within an hour the nurse called me again, suggesting I take her to the doctor. So we did that yesterday and Jane likely has a bacteria that's going around, and we have some medicine now. I got Livia some medicine too, because she has a cough too. I called the doctor for Liv after her teacher woke her up from her nap because she was coughing and made me pick her up (meaning no nap for Liv!). I guess it was to not wake up the other kids, but I was annoyed about that too!

Now today Jane still doesn't feel great. She's got a come-and-go cough (and when she coughs it sounds terrible), so Livia will miss her Spanish class because I don't have anyone to stay with Jane. Livia still has a come-and-go cough, but she's not acting like she's sick at all -- she's running around and being herself.

I have the beginnings of a chest cold too, but I don't feel that bad. Mainly annoyed at having plans dashed and that Jane is still sick despite staying home and resting. I really wanted to go to Livia's Spanish class (it was expensive and is only six weeks -- we have one more class next week), and I wanted to go to Walmart to look at their clearance Halloween costumes.

I just hope this medicine takes hold and makes the girls' coughs go away and for Jane to feel better. This is my first time being sick since I stopped nursing, so I can take whatever medicine I want...

Gak is Not Forever

Last week Livia started preschool, a 2-year-old program three days per week at a nearby church. We chose to have her stay for lunch and nap to give me more time to get some work done. (I have picked up a very part time writing job at a local magazine, but we decided to do the 9-2 hours from Minneapolis thinking we could always change to 9-12 later.) So far she is LOVING school, and staying for lunch (from her "womey-womey," aka Wonder Woman, lunch box!) and a rest/nap has been a treat for her.

We were down to one nursing per day, just before her nap. And on Monday 9/10 I nursed her for the last time before that nap. I didn't KNOW it would be the last, but I suspected it, and the tears began flowing. After school on Tuesday (when she didn't actually sleep at school), I asked if she wanted "gak" when we were home. She said yes, but then we got distracted by a Daniel Tiger episode (then carpool to get Jane -- half my day is spent in the car it seems!), and she just didn't nurse.

She didn't ask Wednesday or Thursday either and I didn't offer, and my emotional stability bottomed out. I cried throughout the day, at night and have been short-tempered (even more short-tempered than normal). I got into it with a teacher at the preschool carpool (to be fair she stuck her finger in my face to point to where she wanted me to go next time, but I did NOT react well or really safely given that I was driving a huge vehicle!), and I haven't been my best dealing with all the range of emotions and first-grader upsets that came my way.

Liv DID ask for gak on Friday when we were together again for nap time, but I told her the gak is all gone. (It really is, sad as I feel about it.) She said OK, and we rocked and sang. She eventually went to sleep in her crib (and she slept Wednesday and Thursday at school -- I think the trick is to let her take her shoes off!).

So we made it to 29 months of nursing, and when combined with the 26 months I nursed Jane I was a breastfeeding mom for four and a half years. (My blog post about nursing Jane ending is Num Nums are Not Forever -- funny that the girls had different names for nursing).

Nursing mama was a role I have played for more than half of my motherhood so far. I know it is a brief season in the scheme of it all. But it was so treasured, and I'm definitely grieving the end of it. I'm proud of myself for nourishing my girls in this way. They're both healthy and growing, and I have plenty of mothering left to do. But I still feel hollowed out from the transition.

Unboxing Day

We brought in the Christmas tree last night. Shawn got it set up, as well as Candy Cane Lane, which is what we call the candy cane-shaped lights lining a part of our walk way toward our front door. Today I got a wreath from Trader Joe's and put that on the front door. We got a few girl-specific things out of the boxes, which are now sitting in the sun room by the back door. The felt Christmas tree, the Little People nativity set, a musical book are out and being played with.

But there's a lot more to do.

Unfortunately I don't have the Christmas cheer or spirit or will to do it just yet.

I'll get there -- for the girls, for Shawn, for my family if they make it for Christmas, for myself -- eventually.

But I sure wish my sense of anticipation didn't feel like a sense of foreboding.

Maybe I'm just exhausted and out of sorts from a broken night of sleep (Livia has a cold so was up half the night and would only sleep while nursing), from a week's visit from my in-laws, from a wanna-be teenager six-year-old with more sass than I can handle, from a million other tiny little cuts that combine to make me feel like I'm bleeding out...

Hope your holiday unboxing goes better than mine.

A Day Without A Woman: What is Labor?

Today is A Day Without a Woman.

I'm "on strike" today, although I can't fully release myself from child care. Partly because I'm a nursing mom and partly because someone's gotta do it and it might as well be me. Shawn is leaning into housework and child care otherwise though. And we're all wearing red! And not spending any money today.

It's made me think about what labor is, since some things I do for myself, just general self care. I'd make a meal for myself if I didn't have the family to labor for. (To get around it I made a casserole yesterday that we can just heat and eat.) I'd also make my bed, so I made my half and Shawn made his half - LOL!

Does blogging count as labor? You could say I'm a small, woman-owned business, which is one of the exceptions for where strikers can shop. Even if it does count as labor, I'm still writing because I want to mark this day.

When talking about it with Jane (and fighting with her about wearing red instead of her favorite Avenger's shirt), I explained that boys and girls are equal, and we deserve equal pay for equal work. She quickly asked about Donald Trump, and I explained that this particular issue existed before him and will after him too.

Self Care and Nursing Shirts

I've been reading some about "self care," which might just be "basic care," as in eating, moving your body, sleeping ... going through the motions of day-to-day living until you feel better. Part fake it til you make it and part genuine survival.

I've also seen a tweet that said "enough with the self care - this is why they think we can't be president" (or something like that). So yeah, there's that. Also an article about a harder kind of self care.

One thing I found mildly helpful was making a list of things that comfort me. I guess ways I can care for myself. That's somewhat trending on Twitter, at least I've seen a few similar lists. But I'm really not feeling much better.

Here's my list so far:

• My babies & husband 
• Cool air ... finally 
• Cake making videos 
• Crochet 
• Offline reading 
• Voyager (mid 7th season) 
• Sleep 
• Dixie Chicks music
• Consignment shopping

My favorite nursing shirt is on its last legs...

Today I wore my favorite nursing shirt, even though it is falling apart at the seams, especially the neckline. It's got a cool crochet inlay in the back, but after 2+ years wearing it with Jane it is a bit torn and tattered. But it's long, has pockets and is comfortable. So I save it for "special" occasions. (I've tried to find a replacement -- but Motherhood doesn't sell anything like it anymore and searches online for "nursing shirt with pockets" haven't been any more successful. I should be willing to pay $50 for a shirt I'd wear every week, but so far I'm not ... I digress.)

I don't know what right I have to feel so bad. It's the fear of the impending tyranny and stripping of rights -- for humans, for women and specifically for me. For my daughters. My disappointment over not seeing the first woman president may be subsiding slightly, but my abject terror of what's still to come only seems to ramp up.

And wearing a comfortable, useful shirt isn't really cutting it as far as successful self care, I'd say.

Also this, "a time to heal:"

Cost of Fighting A Ductal Yeast Infection

I am still fighting a ductal yeast infection in my breast -- candida during breastfeeding or however you say it. It's the pits. I've spent significant time and some good chunks of change on my efforts to kill the yeast. I am cautiously optimistic that this infection is nearly gone. Knock on wood and cross all your fingers! Here's a rough estimate of what I've done since early July to get here:

• Six weeks of diflucan -- this is the actual prescription medication, and I'm lucky my insurance covers it. Apparently it was expensive as a brand name but is now available as generic flucanozole. I couldn't convince my doctor to prescribe it longer (I didn't try very hard), although the protocol says it should be continued until symptoms are gone for a full week. (I had not had a full week of symptom free when I stopped the diflucan, but I think I have now, or at least very nearly symptom-free.) 

• All Purpose Nipple Ointment -- another one that needed to be prescribed. I had to get it at a compounding pharmacy that doesn't take insurance. It's $75, although I put in for it to be reimbursed by insurance. They sent a check for $10 without explanation. We still need to follow up on that one, but say $65.

• Grapefruit seed extract -- I have this orally as well as topically as a liquid. I mix the liquid into water (15 drops in a half shot glass) and use a Q-tip to saturate the nipple after nursing and follow up with the APNO. Liquid cost $11. Orally I take 250 mg three times per day. On Amazon it's about $11 for 60 pills, so a 20 day supply. I've probably been taking it for 8 weeks because I started it as soon as it seemed this was likely yeast. I've definitely purchased it five times so far (counting twice at Whole Foods in 125 mg dose, so the bottle doesn't last quite as long) and am working my way through the fifth bottle. (So $55 so far.)

• Gentian violet -- this took me a while to find because I kept thinking I would find it locally. In the end I could have ordered and received it from Amazon several times over, so I just did that ($10) and waited 2 more days. This does help, although I'm not sure how long it's OK to use. The protocol says on for 7 days then stop. If it hasn't worked in 7 days it won't. BUT it can be repeated. So I don't know. I do it, then stop and have symptoms flare and start again. It is HELLA messy and I hate it. I like purple OK but not on my poor baby's mouth. At church this week she had a big purple mustache and I had to get into my infection/medicine with more people than I would have liked (I should have agreed to others' ideas -- purple marker or a bruise). Definitely not what I had in mind when I say I want to help normalize breast feeding. (Update since I started this post - I was able to stop the gentian violet after about 3 cycles, so 21 days total using it. I've been off it for more than a week, and I know it's there to try again if symptoms flare.)

• Probiotics - buy locally at Whole Foods and also bought some inferior ones at CVS ($11 down the tubes) - $22 x two so far. They have to be refrigerated and need to be taken separately from the Grapefruit Seed Extract (which would just kill the probiotics I think). So I don't remember to take them too often, but at least once a day before bed and sometimes in the afternoon too. I think that's a good sign that I don't remember and am getting better!

• Vinegar for washing clothes and towels - minimal cost but for the sake of completion - $2. I wash everything of the baby's and everything that touches my breasts (bras, towels, etc.) in hot water with vinegar rinse. Acidity kills (?) the yeast, or at least inhibits its growth.

• Paper towels to limit yeast from towels on my hands after washing and limit chances of re-infection (not entirely convinced this is necessary) - $4, estimated because we use paper towels normally. I just kept a roll in the bathroom to use with each hand wash there and have used about 4 rolls over the time I've been doing this.

• Jack Newman book: Dr. Jack Newman's Guide to Breastfeeding, includes the candida protocol I am trying to follow. $22.

• Lactation consultation - should have been $95, although maybe insurance would have covered it. I got my consultation free because while I was waiting for a call back in the hospital waiting area I was hassled by a security guard about breast feeding and that I needed to go to their special rooms/couldn't just nurse in the lobby even covered up. I tweeted my indignation, which got the communications people's attention and I was given a personal apology and the consultation for free, which was nice. It was helpful because they were the ones who agreed that it was more likely yeast. They weren't used to seeing such big/older babies though. If nothing else it made me feel like someone in the medical system actually cared about me/my pain at that point (when my doctor was out of town).

• Monistat 7 - before I got the APNO - $11

So adding all that up we're at $224 actually spent (not including the $95 the lactation consultation would have cost). I'd gladly throw money at this problem just to get better and it was the TIME more than anything that has been hard to deal with. I've been robbed of pleasure with my baby, and while we're still nursing and everything is great with her growth and health I am battered and beaten down from this experience. I hope I can bounce back and continue to get better until completely, truly healed. And I hope you never experience this. If you do/found this via Google please feel free to email me for empathy!

Flood Recovery

Nothing happened to me because of the Louisiana flood. But it could have. There's nothing about my character or where I chose to live that exempted me from the flood waters. It just happened that the mega rain did not fall over my house. But others in our community were not so lucky, if luck is even the right word.

Together Baton Rouge is an organization that was started several years ago to address issues of social justice and bringing the community together in rational ways to solve problems. Boy have they stepped up and been incredible in their efforts for this flood recovery. I'm proud to support them financially, and I hope you'll consider a donation too.

As a Methodist I'm proud that no matter where the disaster we are always on the ground. UMCOR is another great option for your donation dollars, and for the Louisiana flood going through the Louisiana Annual Conference is a good idea too. Our church did a lot of work in the initial week after the flood, and we continue to house "second responders," or those teams of volunteers who have expertise in gutting houses and came out to do just that.

I still feel out of sorts -- I should be DOING something -- I am experiencing no negative outcomes to this flood that hits SO CLOSE to home. My life is uninterrupted, while those so nearby are still shattered. (Although I still have the "excuse" of nursing mother to keep me out of heavy work ... although if I look at myself I'm so weak I doubt I could do the physical labor required even without the need to remain with my baby almost all the time...)

The national media coverage -- rather the lack thereof -- is problematic for getting recovery dollars and private donations flowing into the community. It's also understandable if infuriating. There's no one to "blame" in the flood scenario is something I've read often, and really that means there is no villain other than mother nature. And we can pound our heads against the wall all we want there's no changing that.

But I also don't think the national media scoffs at stories of the Cajun Navy or people saving each other. It's just less compelling perhaps the farther you are from the tragedy. That's true as human nature I guess or at least the way our media system is set up now. I didn't give a lot of thought to Superstorm Sandy even though we'd recently moved from the area hit when it happened in 2012 and even though it got A LOT more national coverage.

A lot of donations have come directly to families via GoFundMe accounts that have been set up. I've donated to one for my friend. But the awful part of that is GoFundMe takes 8% off the top. I knew it was a bad idea and I should have bought a gift card or just sent her a check directly. Blurgh. 


The other instinct that has kicked in during this time "after" is the desire to clean out all my crap. For several days I looked around and thought about the things on the floor/low shelves would just be gone should water come in. And how that would probably be OK for most of the stuff. And should I take steps to eliminate excess material goods? (Yes, a thousand times, yes.)

I've also been cutting way back on spending on non-consumables. We're still doing grocery shopping and getting medicines (wait for the post on how much fighting the breast infection is costing me to see that math...), but I haven't been shopping for new clothes or shoes or anything, even as back-to-school sales are in full swing. (I did buckle today at Target during the back-to-school clearance items, so I'm sure it won't be long before I'm back to my regular type of spending habit.) We have plenty and there's no need. We should put that money toward helping others rebuild their lives. What else is there to do?

These are the main thoughts that have been on repeat in the last few weeks. In addition to the deep sense of gratitude for remaining high and dry.

On an Island

We live in Baton Rouge, which has seen its share of tragedies this summer. The latest is a flood of epic proportions.

All around us there is devastation.

Our home is fine. We are fine. We have power, Internet and plenty of food and water.

There's no threat to our home now. We're in a high spot and away from where the biggest rains fell. We are also far enough away from bodies of water that we shouldn't suffer flooding from the backflow (which I still don't understand).

But I'm still unsettled, anxious and often find myself on the brink of tears.

We are so lucky. But what are we to do?

Our church is a short-term shelter for now, and I've been helping out with the communications/social media aspect of that as I can. I haven't brought myself to go to church and volunteer directly (although the way is clear and we went for worship on Sunday). Having the girls and being a nursing mom makes that much harder, and I can't tell if they're overwhelmed with volunteers already and an extra three people (since that's what I really am) would be more in the way than helpful. But that adds a level of guilt. I should be giving up some of my things and more of my time in constructive ways more than anxiety stressing.

We haven't been out of the house since Sunday. The roads around us are clear, but where is there to go? I got groceries on Sunday afternoon, and it was a madhouse and scary with a half-flooded parking lot that I later heard had an alligator in it (hopefully a false rumor, but certainly not unbelievable). We're a little stir crazy too. TBD on when Jane's school will actually start.

On Facebook I've seen a lot of complaints about how the flood isn't receiving national news coverage. I guess the cable news networks aren't covering it too much. I've read a few stories about "disaster porn" and maybe we're not important since it's an unknown city and Louisiana floods all the time so we should be ready for it. I don't know what national coverage would do to help things. Would people donate more? I don't know. But the disaster is staggering.

Oh, and my breast infection is definitely yeast and hasn't fully healed yet. I have been taking medication for several weeks that helps but hasn't been able to completely eliminate it. I am due for a refill tomorrow, but I don't know if I can reach my doctor OR if she'll agree to give me more (it's not a narcotic, but it is expensive and not usually used for so long). I was off it for two days last week and the pains came roaring back so she gave me another week. That's a personal anxiety but it hums in the background, increasing my general unease, malaise and ennui...

Breastfeeding Madness

I've written about breastfeeding before, including a recent post on The Mommy-Go-Round. And when I talk or write about breastfeeding I AM INSUFFERABLE!

It's so easy, she said. Anyone can do it, she said.

NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Consider me humbled, crow eaten and in awe of moms who make it through breastfeeding challenges. If I experienced this the first time around and didn't know how easy it is to "open bra, push baby to breast, go back to eating/reading/scrolling" I'm not sure we would have made it to seven months of exclusive breastfeeding, let alone 26 months total! 

Everything went great with Jane (although reading back in the posts I did have a bout of mastitis that I cleared up without much trouble). But for the past couple weeks I've been in the land of eat-your-words, because breastfeeding has been anything but easy.

To start I had a sore nipple, maybe seemed like a milk bleb. I did hot compresses and lots of nursing to get it open, but it kept hurting and last Wednesday night I got the shock of my life when knife-like pains started internally in my breast, basically all throughout the milk ducts, after my last nursing of the evening.

I've done so much internet sleuthing, but it didn't seem like mastitis (no fever/chills) and didn't seem like yeast/thrush because Livia didn't have any symptoms and mine weren't typical and it was only on one side.

I started calling the doctor's office right away on Thursday afternoon after a terrible bout with pain, but because I felt some better when I called on Friday they didn't seem to be in any rush to have me be seen. Then I had to wait over the weekend to come in, and it got worse and worse (a couple hours of level 9/10 pain after each nursing on the right side).

So far I've been to a nurse practitioner (who diagnosed mastitis even without any mastitis symptoms) and prescribed an antibiotic. Then I had a lactation consultation, and they think it sounds more like yeast, and they recommended treating with diflucan. My doctor's office prescribed that, but only one dose, which is what is recommended for a vaginal yeast infection, with a second dose 7 days later.

The lactation consultants all referred me to "Tips from the Trenches," and the handout on yeast (and everywhere else on the internet) recommends a much longer-term dosing (instead of one dose you take a double dose and then one dose daily for 14 days). So far the doctor's office has said "no way" to that and told me to continue the antibiotic (even though an antibiotic can wipe out the good bacteria that can help fight off the yeast organisms).

I also got some advice on a better latch with Livia. She was pretty wild during the consultation -- slipping on and off the breast and chomping more than usual. It's most comfortable when she's calm/sleepy and can just get down to business. But having to TRY with the latch after months of pain-free automatic nursing has been difficult.

But the PAIN has been the worst. My nipple is still sore (got some prescription cream for that now, although I had to ask if that was OK/it was never offered as an option) so nursing/initial latch is painful. But it's nothing compared to the feeling after nursing is done and the yeast starts attacking.

My pain is worse in the mornings after the first feed, although I do have pain throughout the day after nursings. PERHAPS it's because I go so long in the night between feeds (Livia and I like to sleep) and I have been hesitant to nurse on the right overnight because I know the pain will wake me up totally. But tonight I'm going to try and nurse on the right and hope the morning pain is more manageable. I'm also going to take some ibuprofen in the night, which might help.

In my own opinion, not being an MD or nurse, I have a very stubborn and strong yeast infection that will need the bigger course of diflucan. In the meantime I'm trying grapefruit seed extract, taking high doses of probiotics to counteract the antibiotic and still looking for gentian violet locally (as usual if I'd just ordered it on Amazon once I suspected yeast I could have been using it already). For the pain I'm taking double doses of ibuprofen spaced 6-8 hours apart. It doesn't really touch the pain at all, unfortunately.

There's also the risk of re-infection and the breastfeeding literature says baby and mom should be treated simultaneously to prevent spreading it back and forth. So far Livi has no symptoms so her pediatrician won't treat for it. I hope it stays that way, and that if she does get symptoms we can do some gentian violet or similar to knock it out fast. There's lots of extra laundry in that towels and burp rags, baby clothes and bras all have to be washed in hot water with vinegar rinse. All the breast pump parts and any pacifiers/toys that go in her mouth have to be washed AND boiled (daily!). I've already melted some of her best toys doing that, so I've been limiting what I let her put in her mouth to things that are definitely washable/boilable or that I don't care if they get ruined.

I plan to write a Mommy-Go-Round post after all is said and done -- and to eat my crow in a more public way. And I have a lot more to say about the experience emotionally. But in the mean time, that's where I am now.

More Writing ...

My freelance (emphasis on the free) writing continues to be published on my hospital's blog, The Mommy-Go-Round, and my doula's blog at Birth Help. Here are a few recent posts:

Better Birth Through Improved Communication
I’m a communications professional by trade with degrees in journalism and years of experience in public relations. I excel with the written word and communicating within a marketing framework. Communicating is my vocation, but when it came to talking to my doctor about my wishes for childbirth I came up short. Standing up for myself and what I need does not come naturally to me.
I needed some help to become a more effective communicator in the doctor-patient relationship.

VBAC Success: I Will Push This Baby Out of My Vagina
Despite everything stacking up against my desire for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) – previous big baby, ultrasound estimating an even bigger baby, being overdue and having gestational diabetes – I was ultimately successful and delivered my second daughter vaginally.

Our Jaundice Experience
Both my daughters had jaundice, a condition in which the baby’s blood contains too much bilirubin and makes her skin and eyes appear yellow. My older daughter’s jaundice resolved itself on its own, but my younger daughter born at the end of March had a more severe case. She had a lot of risk factors – exclusively breastfed, larger baby (born 10 lbs, 8 oz.) and our blood types were incompatible, which seemed to be the thing that worried the pediatrician the most.

A Mama's Choice: Getting Started Breastfeeding
I breastfed my first daughter for 26 months, and that nursing relationship was a very healing thing for me after the disappointment of my C-section. I’m proud of myself and my body for feeding and nourishing her for so long. So I knew no matter how my second birth went I would be a nursing mom again for this second baby.

I have high hopes to actually write more HERE and have a list of posts I'd like to write (and have probably written dozens of times in my head). Nothing earth shattering but just continuing to chronicle bits and pieces of this life I'm living. Time at a keyboard is limited, and I'm also trying to work on a (paid!) freelance project and ease back into my volunteer work at church.

FitBit Phooey

I still love my FitBit, but its usefulness for new mamas is suspect.

During pregnancy there was an option in the dashboard to select "pregnant." I'm certain that it changed the "calories burned" and estimated I was burning more each day because I was growing a person (truth). But sometime during the pregnancy they removed that option entirely. I tweeted about it, and FitBit support tweeted back, directing me to a semi-helpful thread. It says that the "pregnancy" option didn't increase the calories burned estimate - was basically an option that served no purpose. I have no way of verifying that because the dashboard doesn't make it easy to scroll back to look. So whatever. Not a huge problem, especially because I'm not using it as a weight loss tool or really paying attention to the calorie burn. Just weird.

It also isn't very good at measuring sleep, and it thinks I'm sleeping as soon as I'm semi-still even if I'm tossing and turning or reading in bed. That's not unique to newborns' moms though, and that was an issue I noticed even before.

The "real" issue for new mamas is about how the tracker measures things that are not steps as steps. Specifically rocking in a rocking chair counts as steps -- and "intense" steps to boot. And patting a baby on the back -- for burping, general comfort, etc. -- is also stepping. I would have thought I'd need to have some forward momentum for that to be counted. I can almost see how the rocker could be mistaken for an elliptical machine -- there's no way for the FitBit to know that I'm sitting down while my wrist makes that gliding motion. (But it still doesn't count steps if I'm pushing a cart because my wrist is pretty still?!?!)

Basically my calorie burn still seems high, although as a nursing mom that's accurate, and my step count is WAY high -- being overestimated in the thousands I'd say. I can look at the dashboard and see the peaks in my activity are times when I was sitting on my butt holding/nursing/rocking. Another gripe - only the dashboard on the web shows this level of detail. Neither the app on my phone nor the direct software on my computer will actually show hour-by-hour info like the web dashboard will. Bad design on top of weak-ish technology?

But like I said before, data is data and as long as I only compare it to my own data from the same time period it could still be useful. I'm looking forward to being able to do more real steps. I can't believe I'm still recovering four weeks after the birth, but that's the rub in pushing out a 10.5 lb baby I suppose!

Here's a picture of some baby feet that one day will take steps of their own:

Clean Bird and Random Ice Updates

I can't stop thinking about this Jezebel post about showering and how often is normal. The comments are as interesting as the post. They are mostly about not showering daily. For what it's worth I shower every night but wash my hair every third or fourth day. I can't imagine not using soap, but then I've never given it any thought. We bathe Jane every other day and use the mildest soap imaginable, for which I'm ever grateful to my friend for introducing to us.

Frozen driveway -- ice pellets

We had another snow day (or faux sneaux), which was good because the roads were icy and dangerous until the afternoon. I don't understand why the mail didn't run, but whatever.

This stay-at-home for multiple days in a row has coincided with my second cold of the year. This one has hit me like a freight train, as opposed to the last one that crept up on me and lingered. I can only hope that this one will just go away as quickly as it came.

Also for the first time in more than three years I can actually take medicine (not pregnant and not nursing). Two nights ago night time cold medicine sent me into a deep foggy sleep that was unfamiliar and scary, so I skipped it last night. Big mistake, as I had poor sleep and not enough of it. Tonight I'll brave the crazy feeling just to get some rest and hopefully recover.

Icicles on the roof

The staying at home thing isn't totally difficult for me, as I can easily go a couple days without leaving the house if I'm not careful (especially since I've been trying to stay away from Target and mindless shopping). With warmer weather we usually hit up the park, which is a welcome relief. It will be warm enough later this week to do that too.

I haven't lost any productivity either -- although I wonder how much they can total the storm's impact on the economy to the region and our city. I still did my chores, exercised and kept Jane entertained, fed and mostly happy. Having Shawn home helps with her happiness. This stupid cold is surely bringing me down, and a couple times today I thought I would just collapse on the couch in a heap... Maybe tomorrow.

I'm not sure how I picked up this second round of cold germs. I know Jane was sick for one day last week after we had a play date, so that's possible. (I made a big point of scheduling the date AFTER we were all healthy from 2014 cold round 1, but the other family did throw some sneezes and coughs in Jane's face.) If I got it from kissing Jane's face I guess it's worth it -- I love kissing my big girl. But I'd still rather not be sick!

There is another possible source though. I started feeling sick Sunday evening, and I'm ALWAYS suspect of passing the peace, which we now do every week at church. I don't think I'm a big germ-o-phobe, but I am aware of public health best practices and how washing hands stops the spread of germs. And seeing the pastors (and helpers, sometimes children helpers) serve communion intinction-style after touching everyone in the sanctuary without so much as a swipe of hand sanitizers always makes me leery. No one listens to my suggestions though so I've just stopped sharing ideas.

What a positive bird am I.

Num Nums are Not Forever

This week I said goodbye to an important part of my parenting life up to this point. Jane stopped nursing, after just over 26 months. I'm feeling lots of feelings about it.

I have thought of myself as an accidental hippie mama in this respect, but really I am an intentional lactivist and wholly believe that extended nursing has been a boon to her health and development. It's also been pretty great for me, what with regular releases of feel-good hormones (and you know I need all the feel-good-ness I can get!).

Now that weaning is over I can feel the difference, but at least our weaning was gradual. I haven't had any engorgement or pain issues. When I started drafting this post, everything felt fine emotionally. But a couple days later and the hormonal bottom has dropped out so to speak. I've had a terrible, no-good, horrible day with lots of crying and am trying to regain equilibrium. I'm chalking it up to the hormonal shifts that come with completed weaning, although it is probably a lot of things together. I just didn't know it would hit me so hard.

I'm quite proud that we made it so far, but I'm actually more surprised that we've completed weaning! I was starting to think it wouldn't happen, mostly because we both love it so much. It had started getting more challenging, with her being so big and unfocused about it.

I wanted the perfect children's book to say goodbye to nursing, but I never found a good one. We did read "Ready to Wean" a lot (affiliate link), and talked about the concept, so it was at least partly an intellectual assent on her part too. She did understand why we were going to stop and was able to agree to "no more num nums."

We didn't set a firm deadline, but it just sort of happened, as I suggested not nursing one night before bed (extra singing and cuddles in its place), and we kept dropping until even the nap nursing was gone. The last time we nursed was very briefly on Sunday 1/12 before her nap.

My body had a very difficult time getting pregnant, and it's never been a well-oiled machine. But I found out that it can feed a baby to perfection. For the first 6+ months of Jane's life she was all breast milk all the time, and she was the chubbiest, most beautiful and healthy baby. Her doctor often proclaimed her "perfect" and pointed out how proud I should be for providing her with that nutrition.

But it was really just the easiest thing. I didn't have to think about it after the first month or so, and after six weeks we stopped tracking and just went to feeding on demand (mainly because Christmas travel screwed up my note taking). It's the feeding her food that's been so much more difficult!

Jane's been pretty healthy, avoiding most fevers and colds thanks in part I'm sure to the protective qualities of breast milk. I'll be interested to see if she gets sick more often now, although it's not a fair comparison since she's much more out in the world these days and her immune system is more mature.

It's a bittersweet time, as I'm going to miss the special bond -- and the guaranteed soother. But I'm glad to have this baby girl continue to grow into childhood.

My Week in the Nursing Home

Last week I spent a lot of time in a nursing home. To be clear I wasn't living there, but I was visiting my Gran who was there temporarily (she went back to her home on Saturday).

Jane and I would spend most of the morning with her in her small room, go to my sister's house for lunch and a nap, and then back to the nursing home until dinnertime. Keeping a toddler entertained in a confined space full of buttons not to be pushed and needing to be somewhat quiet was difficult to say the least. But being there provided food for thought and opportunity for reflection between toddler tackles.

Being in that environment raises a lot of questions about dignity -- and how to maintain it for our elders. I also couldn't help but extrapolate and think about myself at that age -- if I could decide how I'd like to decline would I want to keep my physical capacity while giving up mental acumen (like my great aunt who lives in a different nursing home and whom we also went to visit)? Or would I want to stay sharp and be fully aware of what's going on yet not be able to physically care for myself in simple ways? There's no good answer, but it is a reminder that I'm not invincible and this body is aging like everyone else's.

A visit to the nursing home is also incentive to get active -- exercise hasn't felt as good as it has this last week or so. I know nothing can stave off the effects of aging, but I believe exercise can slow its march. So when I feel like being lazy and slacking off hopefully the memories of last week will help keep me in gear. (Yeah right.)

Breastfeeding on Modern Family

One of the shows I watch is Modern Family. It's a sitcom done in the faux documentary style that seemed to start with The Office.

Anyway, last night's episode (which I watched about a half hour after it aired and was tempted to blog about right away), included Gloria, the sexy second wife of the grandfather, nursing her new baby while she signed for a package. They digitally pixilated her boob, and the dialogue made clear that the baby was nursing/not like it was popped off and it was just a boob that she was showing. There were jokes about her breasts, that she is too free with her body, etc.

Most of the time they were making those jokes she was clothed -- with the low cut tops she wears in which you could see even more of her breast than what was pixilated around the baby's head. I really don't understand why the breast when used for its intended function (even fictionally) is something that requires digital alteration lest we be scandalized. But when it's on display for sexual purposes we have no problem with it.

Furthermore, I don't know why depictions of breastfeeding have to be like that -- somehow shameful or sexual. And I guess it stuck in my craw even more because this particular show uses boob humor on a regular basis.

I know my thoughts aren't fully formulated or useful, but I had to put it out there since it struck me as just wrong and distasteful.

A Couple Firsts

Oh sure, firsts are par for the course for Miss Jane Pie. But I still have some firsts of my own. On Monday I got a two-for-one. And only one was pleasant. I went to my first movie since Jane was born, and I survived my first truly plugged milk duct.

I woke up Monday with a sore boob, and I knew it could be trouble but I thought some pumping, extra nursing and extra water would keep it from getting worse.

I had been looking forward to Monday -- Shawn had agreed to let me go to a movie while he watched Jane (since it was a holiday he didn't have to be in the office). All week while taking care of Jane solo I had been planning my mini break.

In the movie -- Silver Linings Playbook -- I held my cup of cold soda under my arm to help with the soreness/pain, and it worked. I got home, Shawn went to the office (holiday or not ... you know the drill), and I took Jane to the park. Everything was fine until we came home. I was feeling fine and then WHAMMO!

Fever spiked to 102.5. The pain in my boob didn't worsen, but I got so cold. Shawn came home and I went straight to bed, covering up with all the blankets in the house (practically).

The fever broke in the night (so it only lasted a few hours), and I kept drinking water and nursing like they were going out of style. Jane was a trooper, and for once her constant night wakings didn't bug me, because I needed them to get better myself!

I was better on Tuesday and by Wednesday afternoon was pretty much back to normal. Today I'm feeling just fine -- and I kind of wish I could go see another movie on my own without the pain-in-the-boob! Actually the part I was most upset about was missing my Bible study -- for the second week in a row since I didn't have child care last week. DRAT.

Usually plugged milk ducts happen to new moms while the supply is getting established, and I'm so glad this didn't happen then. I really think it would have threatened my resolve to nurse. But I'm pretty sure why it happened to me now was also related to my solo parenting venture ... while Shawn was away I stayed up too late (not enough rest) and didn't drink enough water (not enough hydration). Together that's a recipe for mastitis, which thankfully this didn't develop into.

I'm keeping after myself to drink more water and we're on our same general nursing schedule. This may be TMI to share with my public facing blog, but I couldn't not write about it.

Election Day 2012

Four years ago I pulled a lever in New York City to vote for President Obama (although judging by that post I wasn't as passionate as I feel this year ... although I'll give the bedbugs some credit for that!). This year I pushed some buttons in Baton Rouge, LA, to vote for him again (how funny are the little icons -- I didn't realize that as I was voting. Is that for someone who can't read?!). Both times my vote didn't really "count" because neither state is a swing state. But it's still important to vote.

I also think it is important to share our convictions with others BUT I can say it gets super obnoxious on Facebook with people I disagree with. Honestly I will never see some people the same way based on the absurdity they've posted.

We've been getting a lot of electioneering calls, including one yesterday that was asking me to get on a bus to Philadelphia to help get out the vote (since Pennsylvania is a swing state). I think it was a mistake, since there wasn't enough time for a bus to get to Philadelphia in time for the election even if it left at the time of the call. So that was bizarre.

Otherwise the calls have been local, vote for this so-and-so for a certain judgeship, etc. (Is it only me, or does it seem bizarre to campaign to be a judge, when your job is essentially to be non-partisan and interpret the law without bias?)

I let Jane push the button to "cast ballot," but first while I was reading through the amendments and such she peeked around me and opened the curtain to the booth, flirting with the people outside. I heard people say "that's the cutest thing I've ever seen." I wished I'd had a picture of THAT. This will have to do, of us in side the voting booth:

I walked to our polling place, just like I walked in New York (although it was quite a bit further here in BR). Because my name is in the second half of the alphabet I was in a much shorter line and was in and out within 15 minutes. Other people were waiting 30+ minutes and I'm sure longer, especially as a nursing home bus showed up as I was leaving. I hope everyone in the swing states has as an efficient and easy time voting as I did (although I know that's not going to be the case).

Go vote today!

Grandma Jane

Today is Grandma Jane's birthday. I just realized that when I looked at the date on my clock by the computer (it used to be by my nursing chair, but since someone learned to walk I can't really have breakables at toddler-level).

I wonder what Grandma Jane would think about Baby Jane...

I'm sure she'd love her and Owen too.

Grandma Jane's great-grand babies.