I've started working on a task I've had on my to-do list for months: updating mariwalker.com. I want to have links there to all my work -- the articles and blog posts from BR Parents and past blog posts that have been published (anywhere but here basically). I want a place to easily find them (and still link to the actual sites where the full articles and posts live). And it would be a nice portfolio of sorts.
I wrote a few blog posts for Woman's Hospital during and after my second pregnancy. They have since moved to a different blog, and not all of them have my by-line. I've figured out which ones I wrote though (I have the emails I sent to the blog editor). That was the first step. I've got draft blog posts linking to each one.
Next step will be making posts for all my BR Parents content -- and there is a lot. Several blog posts but even more articles. On the site my byline search comes up with 45 hits. And that doesn't include the content sections I write (my title is "Section Editor" now), as those aren't online articles but mainly in print with a web layout version also posted (and which I can link to). I've been writing there for more than a year, so it's a lot of posts to create and links to get in order. Then going forward it would be a little easier.
There are other projects and jobs I could write up little summaries of and link to the published bits even without my byline. Will think through those and see what makes sense.
I'm making them all as drafts and back dating them appropriately. Then I'll launch them all at once I guess. I also need a new look to my site. I used to have a WordPress site, but the hosting felt expensive and it is literally a one page site right now. So I switched to Google Domains and used a free blogger blog to become the site itself. I don't like it nearly as much as WordPress for a professional site, but I may be able to use one of the templates to make it a little easier on the eyes and look moderately professional. I want it to go to mariwalker.com rather than redirecting to a page URL that's longer and less clean. But I don't think I'm willing to pay more money and pick up the site and move it back somewhere else. Will keep thinking though. If you want a professional site you have to pay professional money.
I wonder if I should make a professional-ish Twitter account. Not that I say anything problematic, but maybe people wouldn't want to hire or work with me knowing just how liberal I am. Radical even? But only about some things. I also wouldn't want to apologize, so who knows what's good.
I am who I am on Facebook and LinkedIn, although I could look at LinkedIn especially and add info about BR Parents, especially since I have a title. I don't want to lose any momentum I might have toward getting back into the workplace, although the struggle is real.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Remembering November
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| In a wig at a fall festival with my girls Nose crinkle and crooked smile |
I barely wrote at all on this blog since last November. Really a conflagration of things -- church volunteer work, actual work for both a magazine and some other clients, my girls being in lots of activities and needing lots of parenting, some crocheting. Mostly I've written so much for the magazine, and I've been blogging for them about twice a month since the summer, taking all my best ideas. There are plenty of non-parenting things I could write about here, or delve into things in a different/perhaps more political or even religious way. But I just haven't. Maybe November is the time. Maybe.
Writers are going to write, but I just haven't been writing here. I still do my weekly emails chronicling my girls' lives, plus my work writing. There's a fair bit of reporting involved in that too, which is exhausting and actually the harder part for me. Hard things are worth doing and doing well though, so I persist.
I also haven't been reading as much. The number of books I've read this year is a measly 58 books. I put my goal at 75, and if I turned on my real reading skills maybe I could get through another 17. But I don't think that's likely given my workload and a few crochet projects and the general goofing around on Facebook (watching those "people videos" as Liv likes to call them -- cooking or how to do crafts) or reading Twitter (as a lament and/or to terrify myself about how bad things really are in our world). I've seriously given over so much of my life lately to this, and for what?!
Other things I've been neglecting include my mariwalker.com site, which I'd like to turn into more of a blog, basically a round-up of my professional work. On the magazine's website you can't see my work in any sort of order, particularly not chronologically. You can search for a particular article and find everything written by me, but there's no way to sort it. I can fix that and have a more permanent (for the web anyway) record of my writings by posting first paragraphs dated as when they were published, and linking to the full content on the magazine site. A project that wouldn't take too long (but takes longer the longer I wait because I keep writing and publishing stories), but I still haven't found/made the time.
Welcome to the best month. We'll see where it takes us.
Volunteering with Gritted Teeth
I'm a volunteer at my church. It's become a bigger "position" than I expected at first, and I just kind of fell into it. There wasn't a time when someone asked "will you do X, Y and Z." It was more like "we need help with our website," and I lunged at the chance.
The responsibilities morphed as I kept seeing more things that could be done and took on additional responsibilities when asked. When I was going to be out for maternity leave I suggested the church hire an intern to take over for a few months. That morphed into something entirely, and I've been told jokingly (perhaps?) that I've been fired because ...
The church hired a communications director, which really is great. She has zero communications experience, which is not so great.
She'll work out fine, and I've been spending even more time training her. And of course NOTHING is being done to my liking. I'm biting my tongue and sitting on my hands a lot. (Or bitching about it to anyone who will listen and on my blog here...)
There are still places I can contribute, and I'm still leading the communications "team" of volunteers, although I'm hoping that responsibility will eventually fade away if this new hire can be a true leader. I vacillate from wanting to control everything to wanting to completely wash my hands of the whole thing and only attend church as a "visitor" of sorts or to somehow contribute in other, non-communications ways.
And as much as my Type A personality clashes, I know what I want to do -- either option, all or nothing -- is not the right thing.
Recently our pastor prayed before a leadership meeting, and a line stuck out to me enough that I wrote it down: "Our relationships are more important than the work."
That's so the truth, and it's also a very hard truth to deal with, at least for me. I want the work done flawlessly (or at least to my liking!) and on time. But what I should really want is to cultivate a relationship with this new friend and let the work sort itself out. (I think?)
Also if I had a regular job of my own this would all be moot as I wouldn't have time or energy to be upset about any of the church communications. (Maybe?) Being a stay-at-home mom and taking care of the girls is a full-time job, but it definitely leaves space for me to fret about stuff like this.
I'll never change myself or my feelings about it, but I CAN change how I react to things and temper what I actually say. Maybe if I fake it I'll make it?
The responsibilities morphed as I kept seeing more things that could be done and took on additional responsibilities when asked. When I was going to be out for maternity leave I suggested the church hire an intern to take over for a few months. That morphed into something entirely, and I've been told jokingly (perhaps?) that I've been fired because ...
The church hired a communications director, which really is great. She has zero communications experience, which is not so great.
She'll work out fine, and I've been spending even more time training her. And of course NOTHING is being done to my liking. I'm biting my tongue and sitting on my hands a lot. (Or bitching about it to anyone who will listen and on my blog here...)
There are still places I can contribute, and I'm still leading the communications "team" of volunteers, although I'm hoping that responsibility will eventually fade away if this new hire can be a true leader. I vacillate from wanting to control everything to wanting to completely wash my hands of the whole thing and only attend church as a "visitor" of sorts or to somehow contribute in other, non-communications ways.
And as much as my Type A personality clashes, I know what I want to do -- either option, all or nothing -- is not the right thing.
Recently our pastor prayed before a leadership meeting, and a line stuck out to me enough that I wrote it down: "Our relationships are more important than the work."
That's so the truth, and it's also a very hard truth to deal with, at least for me. I want the work done flawlessly (or at least to my liking!) and on time. But what I should really want is to cultivate a relationship with this new friend and let the work sort itself out. (I think?)
Also if I had a regular job of my own this would all be moot as I wouldn't have time or energy to be upset about any of the church communications. (Maybe?) Being a stay-at-home mom and taking care of the girls is a full-time job, but it definitely leaves space for me to fret about stuff like this.
I'll never change myself or my feelings about it, but I CAN change how I react to things and temper what I actually say. Maybe if I fake it I'll make it?
Accepting Help (My bags are heavy.)
I carry too much.
On Sundays I carry a diaper bag, a Sunday school bag for me, a Sunday school bag for Jane and her church backpack full of stuff for her to look at/use during worship (although we've been having her carry it on the way home I usually have it in my hands). On the first Sundays of the month I'm also carrying a tote bag of groceries to donate to The Shepherd's Market food pantry. If I'm helping with video I carry the church's Mac laptop in another bag too. And of course carrying/wearing the baby, although Shawn handles that when he's with me.
People usually ask me if I want help, especially if Shawn isn't with me. My answer is an automatic, "I got it, thanks."
Because I do.
But sometimes help would be welcome. Help is needed. The bags are too heavy.
This is true for my metaphorical bags. They are heavy.
I'd like to get a hair cut, but arranging child care with an appointment has been tricky, and after one attempt I gave up.
I have some side work to do, and it's hard to concentrate. I need a couple hours to sit alone with my computer and get it done.
My house is messy and the piles of papers and magazines are stacking up. We just had a birthday party and I cleaned like a madwoman and hid even more junk. But the mess still mocks me. You're a stay-at-home mom and your house looks like this. Failure.
These bags are so heavy.
I am averse to asking for help. So averse. Because often I will be disappointed.
A church example -- I filled in for the video recorder a couple weeks ago and filmed/processed the sermon video. I plugged in the extra camera battery to charge, but I forgot to put it back in the bag after Sunday school. I emailed and asked the new communications director, who is at the church every day, if she could just go get it and put it back in the bag. (Instead of me making a special trip to church just to unplug a battery.) She emailed back to say she was on her way to do it and I let it go, assuming it was taken care of. When the regular video guy asked me about it I told him she should know where it is. But yesterday he told me they finally found the battery plugged into the wall -- she had no idea what he was talking about when he asked her.
Basically the lesson from that and the way I feel about A LOT of stuff is if you want something done you HAVE to do it yourself. People will disappoint you everywhere you turn.
But does that really apply to my heavy bags?
More Writing ...
My freelance (emphasis on the free) writing continues to be published on my hospital's blog, The Mommy-Go-Round, and my doula's blog at Birth Help. Here are a few recent posts:
Better Birth Through Improved Communication
I’m a communications professional by trade with degrees in journalism and years of experience in public relations. I excel with the written word and communicating within a marketing framework. Communicating is my vocation, but when it came to talking to my doctor about my wishes for childbirth I came up short. Standing up for myself and what I need does not come naturally to me.
I needed some help to become a more effective communicator in the doctor-patient relationship.
VBAC Success: I Will Push This Baby Out of My Vagina
Despite everything stacking up against my desire for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) – previous big baby, ultrasound estimating an even bigger baby, being overdue and having gestational diabetes – I was ultimately successful and delivered my second daughter vaginally.
Our Jaundice Experience
Both my daughters had jaundice, a condition in which the baby’s blood contains too much bilirubin and makes her skin and eyes appear yellow. My older daughter’s jaundice resolved itself on its own, but my younger daughter born at the end of March had a more severe case. She had a lot of risk factors – exclusively breastfed, larger baby (born 10 lbs, 8 oz.) and our blood types were incompatible, which seemed to be the thing that worried the pediatrician the most.
A Mama's Choice: Getting Started Breastfeeding
I breastfed my first daughter for 26 months, and that nursing relationship was a very healing thing for me after the disappointment of my C-section. I’m proud of myself and my body for feeding and nourishing her for so long. So I knew no matter how my second birth went I would be a nursing mom again for this second baby.
I have high hopes to actually write more HERE and have a list of posts I'd like to write (and have probably written dozens of times in my head). Nothing earth shattering but just continuing to chronicle bits and pieces of this life I'm living. Time at a keyboard is limited, and I'm also trying to work on a (paid!) freelance project and ease back into my volunteer work at church.
Better Birth Through Improved Communication
I’m a communications professional by trade with degrees in journalism and years of experience in public relations. I excel with the written word and communicating within a marketing framework. Communicating is my vocation, but when it came to talking to my doctor about my wishes for childbirth I came up short. Standing up for myself and what I need does not come naturally to me.
I needed some help to become a more effective communicator in the doctor-patient relationship.
VBAC Success: I Will Push This Baby Out of My Vagina
Despite everything stacking up against my desire for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) – previous big baby, ultrasound estimating an even bigger baby, being overdue and having gestational diabetes – I was ultimately successful and delivered my second daughter vaginally.
Our Jaundice Experience
Both my daughters had jaundice, a condition in which the baby’s blood contains too much bilirubin and makes her skin and eyes appear yellow. My older daughter’s jaundice resolved itself on its own, but my younger daughter born at the end of March had a more severe case. She had a lot of risk factors – exclusively breastfed, larger baby (born 10 lbs, 8 oz.) and our blood types were incompatible, which seemed to be the thing that worried the pediatrician the most.
A Mama's Choice: Getting Started Breastfeeding
I breastfed my first daughter for 26 months, and that nursing relationship was a very healing thing for me after the disappointment of my C-section. I’m proud of myself and my body for feeding and nourishing her for so long. So I knew no matter how my second birth went I would be a nursing mom again for this second baby.
I have high hopes to actually write more HERE and have a list of posts I'd like to write (and have probably written dozens of times in my head). Nothing earth shattering but just continuing to chronicle bits and pieces of this life I'm living. Time at a keyboard is limited, and I'm also trying to work on a (paid!) freelance project and ease back into my volunteer work at church.
Volunteer Burnout
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| Match on Fire by Rexem |
For my church I just completed a major website renovation and relaunch. I worked for hours and hours on the site, learning how to use the new system (Business Catalyst), transferring all site content and managing the contractor we hired to do some of the technical set-up. The site launched this week, but I still have more to do, specifically figuring out how to use the email marketing part of the system and then teaching it to all other staff who need to send out emails. Nothing is ever easy.
We also had a capital campaign in October, so I was doing a lot of extra work on that (and everything I posted during October I had to post to both the old and new sites!). There were a few in-person meetings and two events where I ran AV. I am not an AV person, so that was quite stressful. I also was on-site photographer, which entails shooting, editing, posting and promoting.
These huge projects were on top of my regular, weekly volunteer work for the church -- creating and sending the weekly email blast, which has morphed into 2-3 additional emails per week about one thing or another; managing the social media, which includes tweeting sermon quotes through the week via Hootsuite; regular website posting/maintenance; and filming, posting and promoting the sermon each week. I also run a communications task force that meets monthly -- creating the agenda, running the meetings and distributing the minutes after-the-fact.
I am exhausted.
I also volunteer, although in much more limited capacities, for the LSU Campus Club, The Shepherd's Market (which is a project of a nonprofit linked to my church) and Jane's preschool. Everything I do is web related, so I'm volunteering with my particular skill set, which is good. I hope doing these things will be good for long-term career prospects since I still have current work to show and plenty of people who appreciate my efforts and theoretically could recommend me or serve as references.
Oh, and also to add to my manic stress levels -- during all of this I have had major computer problems. I've been through Dell Hell, which I'll write more about this month, but I've done a lot of the work on my 5+ year old clunky computer without all of my programs because the computer we bought in October 2014 became useless
The Unintended Silence
I haven't written at all in September, not really. The posts for the BR Maker Faire were slap-dash necessities because I handed out more than 60 cards with my URL and I wanted relevant content at the top. Nothing has come of that, although I've been working on other crochet projects anyway.
The biggest reason for a lack of posting is a paying, part-time job I'm doing. It's for the local university -- actually one of the departments my husband works in -- writing and editing an annual magazine. I went into the process for an informational interview that turned into a job offer. I grossly underestimated the time it would take me, although the director wisely built in some overrun and I hope to at least keep it within that number of hours.
Basically I've been working 20-ish hours every week, which seems like nothing thinking back to my career-filled life, but when I'm balancing it with child care it has left me feeling as exhausted and strung out as I ever did while working (save for the morning sickness road trip of 2011). It has also involved a lot of working with others -- almost all strangers who don't want to bother with the magazine or me. And I've had a few tense gripe sessions with Shawn about him getting me into this!
Things are slowly coming together for the magazine though, and I'll find a new equilibrium once it goes to print. (I'll post a link to it on my Facebook and maybe my professional site -- keep reading.) There may be additional work with this department (their website needs serious attention), or maybe not. There's another possible website job with a different organization slated to start in January, although I won't know if I've actually been chosen to do it until sometime in late November at the earliest.
I purchased www.mariwalker.com when I saw it was available (there's an author with my name who used to own it). For now I'll use it to promote my freelance communications offerings -- although every job I've had so far has come to me without trying. Not sure if that will last.
Jane has started a two morning per week preschool program that has been the only way I've been able to work as much as I have. (I've also had to make her sit in her dad's office for an hour here and there -- which she adores because she gets to be with him ... and watch Daniel Tiger or Olivia!)
She loves school and has never looked back. She loves her teacher, her friends and all the fun stuff they do together. I lost it the night before her first day with ugly crying and straight up fear of leaving her, but after the nerves of day one I've felt really good about it too. (Perhaps in part because I've been frantically working/interviewing/writing during her school hours.)
Today was my first day without an interview, where I was at home without her (normally I have been going from drop off to the university until it's time to pick her up). It was great -- easier to fit in exercise, then a more leisurely Target run with no "get in the cart" negotiations.
I will write more in October, leading up to NaBloPoMo in November.
The biggest reason for a lack of posting is a paying, part-time job I'm doing. It's for the local university -- actually one of the departments my husband works in -- writing and editing an annual magazine. I went into the process for an informational interview that turned into a job offer. I grossly underestimated the time it would take me, although the director wisely built in some overrun and I hope to at least keep it within that number of hours.
Basically I've been working 20-ish hours every week, which seems like nothing thinking back to my career-filled life, but when I'm balancing it with child care it has left me feeling as exhausted and strung out as I ever did while working (save for the morning sickness road trip of 2011). It has also involved a lot of working with others -- almost all strangers who don't want to bother with the magazine or me. And I've had a few tense gripe sessions with Shawn about him getting me into this!
Things are slowly coming together for the magazine though, and I'll find a new equilibrium once it goes to print. (I'll post a link to it on my Facebook and maybe my professional site -- keep reading.) There may be additional work with this department (their website needs serious attention), or maybe not. There's another possible website job with a different organization slated to start in January, although I won't know if I've actually been chosen to do it until sometime in late November at the earliest.
I purchased www.mariwalker.com when I saw it was available (there's an author with my name who used to own it). For now I'll use it to promote my freelance communications offerings -- although every job I've had so far has come to me without trying. Not sure if that will last.
Jane has started a two morning per week preschool program that has been the only way I've been able to work as much as I have. (I've also had to make her sit in her dad's office for an hour here and there -- which she adores because she gets to be with him ... and watch Daniel Tiger or Olivia!)
She loves school and has never looked back. She loves her teacher, her friends and all the fun stuff they do together. I lost it the night before her first day with ugly crying and straight up fear of leaving her, but after the nerves of day one I've felt really good about it too. (Perhaps in part because I've been frantically working/interviewing/writing during her school hours.)
Today was my first day without an interview, where I was at home without her (normally I have been going from drop off to the university until it's time to pick her up). It was great -- easier to fit in exercise, then a more leisurely Target run with no "get in the cart" negotiations.
I will write more in October, leading up to NaBloPoMo in November.
Saying No
Without a regular paying job I don't have a lot of out-of-the-house commitments. So it seems like when I'm asked to do something I should say yes, in part to get out of the house and also because why wouldn't I as long as I can figure out child care?
I said yes to a spiritual leadership academy simply because I was asked. It has turned into a pretty big commitment -- financially more than a $100 in the registration fee plus books for each author -- and time, since there are four "weekend" retreats that involve being away a Friday evening and most of a Saturday. And it's not even up my alley/something I'm that interested in. I said yes simply because I was asked. (In hindsight it wasn't even an exclusive ask/important that I attend like I was led to believe. There were plenty of other people who WANTED to be part of the academy and would have gladly taken my place.)
So I was asked (or rather told, obscurely in a mass email) to be part of a leadership workshop for my church, specifically about the church and its work (I think?). This actually IS up my alley, in that I try to keep the communications content channels flowing and their website from looking absolutely horrible. But because it was this weekend and next weekend is one of these weekend retreats I found myself able to say NO.
I didn't get any pushback (probably because it was such a bizarre mass email invite), but I still find myself feeling guilty and like I'm playing hooky from something I should be obligated to attend. (Doesn't help that they're posting multiple pictures and updates on Facebook ... when they usually don't touch social media much at all!)
I hope they can figure out some communications steps without me sticking my nose in and trying to run everything (because that's really what I end up trying to do). I never can get anything to happen though because of lack of feedback and lack of any authority, which is actually fine by me, but I'd rather not bother/get so involved and care about a project just to see it wither on the vine.
What a whine-bucket.
I said yes to a spiritual leadership academy simply because I was asked. It has turned into a pretty big commitment -- financially more than a $100 in the registration fee plus books for each author -- and time, since there are four "weekend" retreats that involve being away a Friday evening and most of a Saturday. And it's not even up my alley/something I'm that interested in. I said yes simply because I was asked. (In hindsight it wasn't even an exclusive ask/important that I attend like I was led to believe. There were plenty of other people who WANTED to be part of the academy and would have gladly taken my place.)
So I was asked (or rather told, obscurely in a mass email) to be part of a leadership workshop for my church, specifically about the church and its work (I think?). This actually IS up my alley, in that I try to keep the communications content channels flowing and their website from looking absolutely horrible. But because it was this weekend and next weekend is one of these weekend retreats I found myself able to say NO.
I didn't get any pushback (probably because it was such a bizarre mass email invite), but I still find myself feeling guilty and like I'm playing hooky from something I should be obligated to attend. (Doesn't help that they're posting multiple pictures and updates on Facebook ... when they usually don't touch social media much at all!)
I hope they can figure out some communications steps without me sticking my nose in and trying to run everything (because that's really what I end up trying to do). I never can get anything to happen though because of lack of feedback and lack of any authority, which is actually fine by me, but I'd rather not bother/get so involved and care about a project just to see it wither on the vine.
What a whine-bucket.
Introverts at Work
Because I wrote about introversion after that Huffington Post article someone called Cara Delany emailed me and asked if I would share this infographic with my "readers." (Quotation marks mine, because LOL at me having readers.) Anyway, I thought it was pretty neat and didn't mind passing it along. (Although I am a bit suspicious about the Best Masters Programs site for some reason ... cynical much?)
Source: BestMastersPrograms.org
Source: BestMastersPrograms.org
Anniversary
It's been one year since I stopped having a steady paycheck. I don't know that I've been that honest about that on this blog, although it's certainly not a secret.
As this anniversary has come up I've been feeling a little antsy. Or introspective or something. And reading articles like this put me into hyperdrive anxiety about my decisions.
I feel judged by some unknown, faceless "them" or "society" that I am making a detrimental decision -- for myself, for my family and for my daughter. And reading about "mommy wars" I know the feeling of being judged goes both ways.
But I honestly don't question anyone's decisions on child care and working. It's certainly a family-by-family decision (or mama-by-mama decision and possibly child-by-child decision). There can't be a right answer for everyone.
I don't even think there's a right answer for me. It's just what I'm doing now because I want to. And I know how unbelievably lucky I am to have the choice -- an honest-to-goodness choice because I don't have to factor in whether I could earn enough to cover child care (for example).
In a very real way I am living my dream. It's not a fairy tale by any stretch, but it's what I want to do. At least right now. And the panic comes in when I read things about the inability to work again after being out of the workforce for a time or how I'm putting my future at risk by depending on my husband's income (a husband who is likely leave me being the line of argument there).
I have no illusions that I'll ever be at the top of any field. If I had any they were dashed by my personality/work assessment just before I left my last job. (I thought I wrote about it then but I can't seem to find a post -- I know I fretted about it an inordinate amount of time. It basically came down to I'm a follower and good at taking direction.) But that's not a justification of my current life choice. Just an observation or factor I guess. I also know I'm a valuable employee and kick ass getting things done, at work or otherwise.
So I am certainly still freelancing, emphasis on the free, and pitching for another side job or two. I feel that I could step back into work without issue right now, but I just don't want to yet. I'm still enamored with being Jane's primary caregiver all the time, and although I don't have stars in my eyes about it like I did pre-birth I treasure it nonetheless. Also being unencumbered by a job makes travel with Shawn much more possible -- and boy are we planning some travel! In fact, I'll be on a plane today!
I'll continue to work through these feelings, possibly writing more but maybe not. I just want to hold onto the "right for me" groove that I can sometimes rest in without anxiety or doubt. Those moments of pure clarity and assurance of my decisions are rare though.
As this anniversary has come up I've been feeling a little antsy. Or introspective or something. And reading articles like this put me into hyperdrive anxiety about my decisions.
I feel judged by some unknown, faceless "them" or "society" that I am making a detrimental decision -- for myself, for my family and for my daughter. And reading about "mommy wars" I know the feeling of being judged goes both ways.
But I honestly don't question anyone's decisions on child care and working. It's certainly a family-by-family decision (or mama-by-mama decision and possibly child-by-child decision). There can't be a right answer for everyone.
I don't even think there's a right answer for me. It's just what I'm doing now because I want to. And I know how unbelievably lucky I am to have the choice -- an honest-to-goodness choice because I don't have to factor in whether I could earn enough to cover child care (for example).
In a very real way I am living my dream. It's not a fairy tale by any stretch, but it's what I want to do. At least right now. And the panic comes in when I read things about the inability to work again after being out of the workforce for a time or how I'm putting my future at risk by depending on my husband's income (a husband who is likely leave me being the line of argument there).
I have no illusions that I'll ever be at the top of any field. If I had any they were dashed by my personality/work assessment just before I left my last job. (I thought I wrote about it then but I can't seem to find a post -- I know I fretted about it an inordinate amount of time. It basically came down to I'm a follower and good at taking direction.) But that's not a justification of my current life choice. Just an observation or factor I guess. I also know I'm a valuable employee and kick ass getting things done, at work or otherwise.
So I am certainly still freelancing, emphasis on the free, and pitching for another side job or two. I feel that I could step back into work without issue right now, but I just don't want to yet. I'm still enamored with being Jane's primary caregiver all the time, and although I don't have stars in my eyes about it like I did pre-birth I treasure it nonetheless. Also being unencumbered by a job makes travel with Shawn much more possible -- and boy are we planning some travel! In fact, I'll be on a plane today!
I'll continue to work through these feelings, possibly writing more but maybe not. I just want to hold onto the "right for me" groove that I can sometimes rest in without anxiety or doubt. Those moments of pure clarity and assurance of my decisions are rare though.
Putting the Free in Freelance
I've been volunteering for my church for about a year, helping with their website and social media. They did a big redesign last summer and I helped get the content in shape and over in the new template. (I am a content person and writer, and there were designers in charge of coding) Then the site went live and the web design firm went MIA, and I was basically left on my own to sort out different issues.
The site is built on WordPress. I am not a WordPress expert, but I can figure things out and follow online tutorials, etc. But I was panicky about doing any updates without clear instructions from the web firm about backups, even just as part of a hand off of responsibilities to me, but no instructions ever came. No matter how many times I asked.
So what happened IS my fault, in that I wasn't more vigilant in updating WordPress myself. Things seemed to be OK so I just let it lie. Bad idea.
I'd noticed the site coming up as "potentially dangerous" in my browser's security bar, but I didn't look into it until the church accountant got a message from a member to that effect. I first updated WordPress (and it didn't break anything!), and then I contacted our host.
The host flagged our site as suspicious and said they would shut down our account if we didn't delete a certain file in 24 hours. Ruh, roh!
But since they told me the file I could go in and clean out the malicious code. I also updated all of the themes, plug ins, etc. and changed all the passwords as directed. BUT when I updated the theme ... POOF! Goodbye theme customizations.
*SOB SOB SOB*
The host does backups of the site and keeps them for a few days, so since I caught it soon enough I knew I could get an old one and then upload an old version of the theme via FTP. Well I didn't know that at first, but after I took Jane to the park and thought about it for a while the idea came to me -- and it actually worked, and the site went back to looking right with the customizations.
But that means our theme is not the latest version, leaving us vulnerable to hacks, and I'm not sure I've completely cleaned the site, and I'm especially worried that there's still a backdoor into the site and we'll just keep getting hacked and flagged.
I finally got a response from the web design firm. We're not active clients, and our contact there seems to have left the firm. But someone wrote back and said they'd look into it. I don't know what to expect (this firm also left tons of broken images and links throughout the site when they pushed it live from their testing server, among other unprofessional, frustrating things).
So I was feeling OK, thinking that at least we were stable for now. And then I tried to add a link to a post -- just updating it. And I couldn't edit the HTML and clicking "add link" icon did nothing. On top of everything else it made me want to beat my head against the wall. I googled, googled, googled and found directions to add a line of code to one of the files. And it appeared in enough of the WP help forums that it seemed legit. So I did that and it worked. I can edit the posts again. I still need to get used to the new version of WordPress and figure out if anything else got broken during the update.
I also don't know if maybe my computer is involved at all. There's only one other person who really updates the site, so I assume something could have gotten in through her computer. Or perhaps it was just through the site itself and a security breach within the theme.
My pulse has raced more times today than it has anytime since I haven't been working. I care SO much when I work and have projects/responsibilities like this. It's fun to figure things out and fulfilling to end up with a good end product that people like and use. But the process to get to that is so full of angst I can hardly stand it.
**I didn't really cry, but man I was a TERRIBLE mama to Jane during this ordeal ... which is still ongoing.
The site is built on WordPress. I am not a WordPress expert, but I can figure things out and follow online tutorials, etc. But I was panicky about doing any updates without clear instructions from the web firm about backups, even just as part of a hand off of responsibilities to me, but no instructions ever came. No matter how many times I asked.
So what happened IS my fault, in that I wasn't more vigilant in updating WordPress myself. Things seemed to be OK so I just let it lie. Bad idea.
I'd noticed the site coming up as "potentially dangerous" in my browser's security bar, but I didn't look into it until the church accountant got a message from a member to that effect. I first updated WordPress (and it didn't break anything!), and then I contacted our host.
The host flagged our site as suspicious and said they would shut down our account if we didn't delete a certain file in 24 hours. Ruh, roh!
But since they told me the file I could go in and clean out the malicious code. I also updated all of the themes, plug ins, etc. and changed all the passwords as directed. BUT when I updated the theme ... POOF! Goodbye theme customizations.
*SOB SOB SOB*
The host does backups of the site and keeps them for a few days, so since I caught it soon enough I knew I could get an old one and then upload an old version of the theme via FTP. Well I didn't know that at first, but after I took Jane to the park and thought about it for a while the idea came to me -- and it actually worked, and the site went back to looking right with the customizations.
But that means our theme is not the latest version, leaving us vulnerable to hacks, and I'm not sure I've completely cleaned the site, and I'm especially worried that there's still a backdoor into the site and we'll just keep getting hacked and flagged.
I finally got a response from the web design firm. We're not active clients, and our contact there seems to have left the firm. But someone wrote back and said they'd look into it. I don't know what to expect (this firm also left tons of broken images and links throughout the site when they pushed it live from their testing server, among other unprofessional, frustrating things).
So I was feeling OK, thinking that at least we were stable for now. And then I tried to add a link to a post -- just updating it. And I couldn't edit the HTML and clicking "add link" icon did nothing. On top of everything else it made me want to beat my head against the wall. I googled, googled, googled and found directions to add a line of code to one of the files. And it appeared in enough of the WP help forums that it seemed legit. So I did that and it worked. I can edit the posts again. I still need to get used to the new version of WordPress and figure out if anything else got broken during the update.
I also don't know if maybe my computer is involved at all. There's only one other person who really updates the site, so I assume something could have gotten in through her computer. Or perhaps it was just through the site itself and a security breach within the theme.
My pulse has raced more times today than it has anytime since I haven't been working. I care SO much when I work and have projects/responsibilities like this. It's fun to figure things out and fulfilling to end up with a good end product that people like and use. But the process to get to that is so full of angst I can hardly stand it.
**I didn't really cry, but man I was a TERRIBLE mama to Jane during this ordeal ... which is still ongoing.
Figuring Things Out
I don't have a strong design "eye" or sense of how things should look. I'm more involved in the details -- do these lines have the same spacing and width, does the text wrap around the photo OK, etc. But I can replicate a design as a template and fill it with new content pretty easily. And if someone ELSE says "hey, what if we did this?" I can usually figure out a way to make it so.
Case in point: puzzle pieces.
What if we made the cover for this document a puzzle with different pictures in each piece?
Uh...
It took me a couple days (really just a few hours over a couple days), but I figured out how to do it. There's a puzzlify script for Illustrator. I did that for one picture, making it into 12 individual "pieces." Then I released the clipping paths and pulled the pieces over to InDesign, where they became image boxes. I then replaced each copy of the original image with 12 different images and resized as normal to fit each piece.
It was a lot of trial and error at first -- trying to use the pen tool over a drawing of a puzzle to make the image boxes in the puzzle piece shapes, etc. I'm such an amateur and the pen tool was really hard for me/I never got it to work quite right.
But I was really happy with the solution I found, and I gave two options: a solved puzzle and a puzzle with the pieces kind of "exploded" and spread out.
Of course the puzzle idea got killed immediately and it will never see the light of day. BUT I learned a new trick, and maybe I'll make a puzzle with Jane pictures just for fun.
Also today I figured out something to correct a screw up I made in terms of a URL and how it was created in WordPress. I was freaking out for about 45 minutes though until my Google searching got me what I needed -- a simple uncheck of a box in the settings and a reload of the PDF and I was back in business.
It's the little victories that keep me going... But who knows for how long.
Case in point: puzzle pieces.
What if we made the cover for this document a puzzle with different pictures in each piece?
Uh...
It took me a couple days (really just a few hours over a couple days), but I figured out how to do it. There's a puzzlify script for Illustrator. I did that for one picture, making it into 12 individual "pieces." Then I released the clipping paths and pulled the pieces over to InDesign, where they became image boxes. I then replaced each copy of the original image with 12 different images and resized as normal to fit each piece.
It was a lot of trial and error at first -- trying to use the pen tool over a drawing of a puzzle to make the image boxes in the puzzle piece shapes, etc. I'm such an amateur and the pen tool was really hard for me/I never got it to work quite right.
But I was really happy with the solution I found, and I gave two options: a solved puzzle and a puzzle with the pieces kind of "exploded" and spread out.
Of course the puzzle idea got killed immediately and it will never see the light of day. BUT I learned a new trick, and maybe I'll make a puzzle with Jane pictures just for fun.
Also today I figured out something to correct a screw up I made in terms of a URL and how it was created in WordPress. I was freaking out for about 45 minutes though until my Google searching got me what I needed -- a simple uncheck of a box in the settings and a reload of the PDF and I was back in business.
It's the little victories that keep me going... But who knows for how long.
Nearing a G
I'm just a few posts away from my 1,000th. If I were writing as I have in the past I'd be closing in on 1,500 by now. But such is (my) life.
I traveled to Galveston for work this week -- the FOURTH time to that city (?) in less than a year of work for this company. Things could always be worse, and I made it back safe and sound enough. I didn't take a single picture -- of my feet, the beach or my feet on the beach. Has the blogger bug left me?
I've been reading a lot but not cataloging for Good Reads. Whoops. I'm also watching a lot of house hunting and renovation shows. DIY has become a new favorite channel.
Because I've been spending my evenings on HGTV/DIY and some books I've fallen behind on my DVR. I have hours and hours of USA/TNT TV shows, plus Friday Night Lights, to catch up on. I have a feeling it is a futile effort though.
First world problems for real.
I traveled to Galveston for work this week -- the FOURTH time to that city (?) in less than a year of work for this company. Things could always be worse, and I made it back safe and sound enough. I didn't take a single picture -- of my feet, the beach or my feet on the beach. Has the blogger bug left me?
I've been reading a lot but not cataloging for Good Reads. Whoops. I'm also watching a lot of house hunting and renovation shows. DIY has become a new favorite channel.
Because I've been spending my evenings on HGTV/DIY and some books I've fallen behind on my DVR. I have hours and hours of USA/TNT TV shows, plus Friday Night Lights, to catch up on. I have a feeling it is a futile effort though.
First world problems for real.
Long Time Gone
My friends from high school married their high school boyfriends,
Moved into houses in the same ZIP code where their parents live.
But I ... I could never follow ... no, I ... I could never follow ...
That's* not really true. I'm sure if I'd had a boyfriend in high school -- if any of the Indiahoma guys had found me worthy of something more than occasional homework help -- I'd be holed up somewhere in SW Oklahoma too. But as it is, my life is turning out much better, despite living in this crazy southern Louisiana.
I can't promise a return to regular blogging, but here's a map showing my travels in March. Then in April I was on a plane to DC and back. And since have just been recovering from all that.
*These are lyrics from a Dixie Chicks song.
Moved into houses in the same ZIP code where their parents live.
But I ... I could never follow ... no, I ... I could never follow ...
That's* not really true. I'm sure if I'd had a boyfriend in high school -- if any of the Indiahoma guys had found me worthy of something more than occasional homework help -- I'd be holed up somewhere in SW Oklahoma too. But as it is, my life is turning out much better, despite living in this crazy southern Louisiana.
I can't promise a return to regular blogging, but here's a map showing my travels in March. Then in April I was on a plane to DC and back. And since have just been recovering from all that.
*These are lyrics from a Dixie Chicks song.
The Ledge
photo © 2007 Paul Robertson | more info (via: Wylio)Our next door neighbors in the "Big I" had this half-wall of brick on one side of the house. On the top was a little ledge/lip of brick. It wasn't too high -- I'll have to visually measure it when I'm home next time -- but I remember on more than one occasion that we'd climb up there and take turns jumping to the ground. And I would have to try so hard to psych myself up before I could fling myself the ~6 feet to the ground.I've been thinking about that ledge and that feeling.
Thursday was my worst day this week and I got a couple calls from colleagues asking if they could "talk me off the ledge." Even though I wasn't actually planning anything or given any indication that I was reaching my limit -- it was evident even from afar that I had taken on just about all any one person could handle, even if that one person is me -- especially given that they didn't know my full capacity. I think they know now.
I was wild eyed and crazy, but I even stopped at the most inopportune time to have lunch with a friend from church that I had planned well before the perfect storm of website-event planning-print production deadlines formed. The lunch was great and during our conversation she said something about me being a very positive person. I think it's all in perception and how much of myself I display in given situations.
Anyway, today was easier, catching up and my heart didn't fly into palpitations like it did yesterday. I'll press on.
Even better: it's a three day weekend! I'll probably still check e-mail lightly, but extra sleep will be delicious. And we've got a couple fun things planned already.
Insulting
Writing from a conference. This is a different kind of travel than I have been and will continue to do. Many of the people here seem to be whooping it up and just happy to be away from their desk jobs. Hrm.
I met the president (owner? founder?) of my company -- the contracting company that actually pays my salary. He was weird -- introduced himself as my boss after someone else introduced me as being with the company. (Just what I need, another "boss.") He asked about my work -- thought I was doing something completely different, so I explained a little about my role and my title. Obviously didn't know I, or my position, existed. Which is fine with me, so whatever.
Then I was talking to the HR lady with whom I'd had many discussions in the process of interviewing for and accepting the position. We talked about how I went from working from home, alone in my studio apartment to this, which is much more people-involved.
The president guy scoffed and said "I thought you said you were a communications person."
I think insulting my background is uncalled for. And besides, my past life work was heavily web based ... and it wasn't like I didn't do any person-to-person outreach. It just wasn't as concentrated as this work is. Also most of my closest contacts within the organization are REMOTE. I don't know, it just really rubbed me the wrong way.
But I schmoozed and said "everything is great." HR lady said ~sounds like it's been really good for your career ... as a professional ... or something like that.
But sometimes, like when I've technically worked 12 hours on a Sunday, missed church, a workout, dinner and an evening with my boy ... I don't know that this is worth it.
It's just one week, one Sunday, one conference.
Time to put on my big girl panties and be a professional ... for once.
I met the president (owner? founder?) of my company -- the contracting company that actually pays my salary. He was weird -- introduced himself as my boss after someone else introduced me as being with the company. (Just what I need, another "boss.") He asked about my work -- thought I was doing something completely different, so I explained a little about my role and my title. Obviously didn't know I, or my position, existed. Which is fine with me, so whatever.
Then I was talking to the HR lady with whom I'd had many discussions in the process of interviewing for and accepting the position. We talked about how I went from working from home, alone in my studio apartment to this, which is much more people-involved.
The president guy scoffed and said "I thought you said you were a communications person."
I think insulting my background is uncalled for. And besides, my past life work was heavily web based ... and it wasn't like I didn't do any person-to-person outreach. It just wasn't as concentrated as this work is. Also most of my closest contacts within the organization are REMOTE. I don't know, it just really rubbed me the wrong way.
But I schmoozed and said "everything is great." HR lady said ~sounds like it's been really good for your career ... as a professional ... or something like that.
But sometimes, like when I've technically worked 12 hours on a Sunday, missed church, a workout, dinner and an evening with my boy ... I don't know that this is worth it.
It's just one week, one Sunday, one conference.
Time to put on my big girl panties and be a professional ... for once.
Attitude of Gratitude
November is about thankfulness, leading up to the family holiday of Thanksgiving! I have so much to be grateful for, but to list them all would be boring.
I got my first "you should feature my website on your blog" e-mail. Does that mean I'm a real blogger? Uh ... I'll look at the site later and decide whether to write about it I guess.
I'm on my way today to Spanish Fort, AL, and will be back tomorrow before picking up and leaving again on Sunday. Hopefully on Saturday we can have a swinging good time, relax and enjoy some QT together. Shawn's at the top of my list of things to be grateful for!
Before my three hour drive I'm downloading an audio book and transferring it to my iPod. Then I'll use an AUX cable to patch it into the truck's stereo. Fearless Fourteen should make my drive MUCH more fun. East Baton Rouge Library for the win...
I got my first "you should feature my website on your blog" e-mail. Does that mean I'm a real blogger? Uh ... I'll look at the site later and decide whether to write about it I guess.
I'm on my way today to Spanish Fort, AL, and will be back tomorrow before picking up and leaving again on Sunday. Hopefully on Saturday we can have a swinging good time, relax and enjoy some QT together. Shawn's at the top of my list of things to be grateful for!
Before my three hour drive I'm downloading an audio book and transferring it to my iPod. Then I'll use an AUX cable to patch it into the truck's stereo. Fearless Fourteen should make my drive MUCH more fun. East Baton Rouge Library for the win...
2010 Voting Experience
I voted in a fire truck bay this year.
And the machines were still more advanced than the old timey ones they use in New York, where you have to pull a lever to cast your vote.
In Baton Rouge I pushed a button to cast the vote!
The method they used to track voters was a binder of printed out names that they checked off. And then yelled out our names across the table and spelled them out for another guy to write them on a separate print list. I thought that was really weird, but whatever. He misspelled my name Marylin?! I corrected him though, as I'm sure you would expect.
Work today was one of the worst in a long time. Just not enough to do and little direction or communication. It will swing back to being super busy next week when the travel stars. But anyway, I just felt yechy as the day dragged on -- and too focused on myself and how bad I felt.
Also doesn't help that Shawn's been gone and I'm off balance because of that. Time to go work out and try to regain some balance... Two more sleeps 'til he's home!
And the machines were still more advanced than the old timey ones they use in New York, where you have to pull a lever to cast your vote.
In Baton Rouge I pushed a button to cast the vote!
The method they used to track voters was a binder of printed out names that they checked off. And then yelled out our names across the table and spelled them out for another guy to write them on a separate print list. I thought that was really weird, but whatever. He misspelled my name Marylin?! I corrected him though, as I'm sure you would expect.
Work today was one of the worst in a long time. Just not enough to do and little direction or communication. It will swing back to being super busy next week when the travel stars. But anyway, I just felt yechy as the day dragged on -- and too focused on myself and how bad I felt.
Also doesn't help that Shawn's been gone and I'm off balance because of that. Time to go work out and try to regain some balance... Two more sleeps 'til he's home!
What Do You Do?
A new friend asked me this, and I did my best to explain my job, even though parts of it are still a mystery to me. I am cryptic about my work here because I'd rather my professional life not collide with this blog, although it would take someone very little time to find this once they know my e-mail address. I've got silvermari covered on most parts of the web. I am more open about who I work for on Facebook though because I figured it's expected that I'll have a Facebook page. A vanity blog ... not so much?
But without being too specific, I am a communications specialist. Right now my job is focused on helping to facilitate some public meetings and will continue to be the focus for a while, getting more involved in meetings to come in the future, down to booking the room, advertising the meetings, taking notes, reporting out, etc.
I also do some web work and social media around the subject matter, although not enough for my liking. I also am hindered by layers of clearance procedures, which are necessary but still a pain. I am a point of contact for the public, but so far the inquiries have been minimal. That will heat up and hopefully I will become more eloquent and fully aware of my subject matter and empowered/cleared to speak!
The adjustment from small organization to big government has been tough, and I'm still rocky. There's no more blogging for work. I touch a little bit more of the media relations side of things, but still very peripheral. For the most part I seem to have positioned myself as a communications content creator and not really a public relations person. I think that's the right move for my particular skill set and interests, but we'll see.
I also am finding that I'm very self conscious or oddly proud about my educational background. I find myself saying "I'm trained as a journalist" or "when I was in grad school," which is obnoxious and embarrassing.
A lot of what I do is obnoxious and embarrassing though. Just ask Shawn.
Bazinga!
But without being too specific, I am a communications specialist. Right now my job is focused on helping to facilitate some public meetings and will continue to be the focus for a while, getting more involved in meetings to come in the future, down to booking the room, advertising the meetings, taking notes, reporting out, etc.
I also do some web work and social media around the subject matter, although not enough for my liking. I also am hindered by layers of clearance procedures, which are necessary but still a pain. I am a point of contact for the public, but so far the inquiries have been minimal. That will heat up and hopefully I will become more eloquent and fully aware of my subject matter and empowered/cleared to speak!
The adjustment from small organization to big government has been tough, and I'm still rocky. There's no more blogging for work. I touch a little bit more of the media relations side of things, but still very peripheral. For the most part I seem to have positioned myself as a communications content creator and not really a public relations person. I think that's the right move for my particular skill set and interests, but we'll see.
I also am finding that I'm very self conscious or oddly proud about my educational background. I find myself saying "I'm trained as a journalist" or "when I was in grad school," which is obnoxious and embarrassing.
A lot of what I do is obnoxious and embarrassing though. Just ask Shawn.
Bazinga!
Scheduling
I drove/rode more than 600 miles around the state this week for meetings.
And I survived. I took more than 60 pages of notes. And have more meetings and travel to come in November. I hope I can make it through ... AND with NaBloPoMo how will I keep up?
I also found out a meeting in Mississippi is set for the Monday of Thanksgiving, when I planned to be in California. I can't sort everything out until this Monday, but an already packed travel month just got a lot more complicated. No matter what I do I'm going to feel awful. And the week of my birthday.
Pre-worrying won't get me anywhere, so hopefully I can get some rest this weekend and be a little less emotional when I'm not so exhausted!
And I survived. I took more than 60 pages of notes. And have more meetings and travel to come in November. I hope I can make it through ... AND with NaBloPoMo how will I keep up?
I also found out a meeting in Mississippi is set for the Monday of Thanksgiving, when I planned to be in California. I can't sort everything out until this Monday, but an already packed travel month just got a lot more complicated. No matter what I do I'm going to feel awful. And the week of my birthday.
Pre-worrying won't get me anywhere, so hopefully I can get some rest this weekend and be a little less emotional when I'm not so exhausted!
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