Be Kind to Yourself

 I've been part of an Enneagram study with my church -- all on Zoom of course. It's through Life in the Trinity Ministries, a video course via Vimeo rather than DVDs or anything. Pretty expensive (each person had to pay for their access to the videos separately rather than just buying the DVD once that we'd all be able to watch together), but most people have seemed to enjoy it and get a lot out of it. My favorite part has been community building with my sub-group of friends. But the whole thing is tiresome especially during pandemic and when I've been very busy and pulled and stretched in different places and different ways.

This was a video that was recommended for my number (I am a 1) - by another participant. I just want to be able to find it later.

I've exhausted my core small group with my writing about my 1-ness. I can't identify "growing edges," and even Shawn is tired of hearing about it. I know I'm capable of change, but I can't even see what that change might look like.

Edit to add one more video, also 1-focused:

Going Home and Online Safety

I've been a Twitter user for more than 10 years, joining in mid-2008. I've never gotten into real heated arguments or had much trouble with "trolls," although I've certainly seen their work on others' tweets and threads. I mostly post innocuous stuff and even when I'm upset it's vague or about something offline most often. Retweets don't usually get hate spewed back to the retweeter.

I had a weird experience this week in that I retweeted a post with a comment. It was a request for female clergy and their allies to retweet their support and that women pastors should not "go home," as a powerful white man (or men?) has recently said. My comment with the tweet was "A woman's place is in the pulpit."

A man I don't know commented back about "the Bible says" women are only allowed to teach younger women and never in a church so #GoHome. Kind of hilarious, as I am a homemaker/stay-at-home mom basically doing what he advises. But I'll be damned that people still think this ... and even crazier that you'd go find a stranger's tweet to tell them your (incorrect) scriptural interpretation in such an ugly way.

I just blocked, because I don't want to deal with it. I did reply to another person who tweeted in support (something like "you're answering the call to preach") but deleted it because I worried the troll might see it and pounce more. My drafted/deleted response was about how I'm NOT a pastor, but a UMC laity formed by the work of women responding to God's call on their lives to be pastors and preachers. That work began when I was a tween (before tween was a thing though!), and I have always known God could use women and their gifts everywhere including in the pulpit!

WHY DO PEOPLE WHO CLAIM TO BE CHRISTIAN WANT TO LIMIT GOD?

(I have preached one sermon in my life, when I was about 12 I think, as part of a youth group organized by our pastor's husband. Maybe five people in the audience at the time - LOL.)

So I've stewed a bit about it today, just aggravated because women have made great strides in general but there's still so much bullshit and patriarchy to wade through even among those who claim God.

I worry some about my safety -- have I revealed too much of who I am being lulled into the idea that I'm a non-controversial person so no one would ever bother me? But it would not be hard to piece together where my children go to school or even where we live (as a homeowner some of that info is public record if you know where to look #journalism). I've written so much over the years, and just before no one has ever really read it doesn't mean no one ever will I guess. My kids' safety is paramount, but neither do I want to be silenced.

It's also not my responsibility to enlighten the trolls or make sure everyone thinks correctly or believes what I believe. That's too big of a job anyway! I don't want to shirk responsibility by saying "that's too much" because everything really is too much. I want to be a conduit for good somehow.

I know that women belong as pastors. That is good. And I know that LGBTQ+ persons belong as pastors. That, too, is good.

For All the Saints

An All Saints Day Altar

This morning was our All Saints Day worship service, and we remembered those who have died, going before us, specifically those who have died in the last year. I am a teary-eyed person anyway, and I weep easily during worship even on "regular" Sundays. No one who is close to me in real ways died in the last year, but I still cried.

There is Rachel Held Evans, my favorite Christian author, a contemporary, and prolific writer and theologian who died in May. I had been praying fervently for her recovery after learning of her unexpected and terrifying illness that left her in a medically induced coma. I learned that she died the morning of Jane's first piano recital. We were in an Episcopal church and I was helping my three-year-old potty before we left. Rachel had left her evangelical church tradition for the Episcopal church, and she was a mother who left behind two small children and a beloved husband. And she left a hole in my life, even though we were strangers. (We were mutual Twitter followers, and I was on the team to read and promote her last book, Inspired.) I am a fan and a member of her online church, ministered to through social media and her blog.

I grieve for the books I'll never read and the complex thoughts she would have wrestled with and come away with clarity for herself and others. But mostly I grieve for her family, and feel that pin-prick of fear for my own. My own mortality is something I don't consider often, but it's a certainty even without knowing death's timing.

I remember you, Rachel Held Evans. And I expect that I will every year as candles are lit and bells are rung. Just as I remember my grandparents, great aunt, baby cousin and others.

God's Doors Are Open to All

I have THOUSANDS of words to write about this project, but for now I want these gorgeous images on the top of my blog, which has been sorely abandoned while I've been writing for Baton Rouge Parents (and getting the art project approved by our church).

Love wins, and LOVE ALWAYS WILL.

Books for a Younger Me

© 2007 Heather R, Flickr | CC-BY-SA | via Wylio

We've joined a new Sunday school class, and it's still trying to find its footing. We left our previous class after the sabbatical mainly because we wanted a more progressive study of Scripture. I know it's hurt some feelings, and I am disappointed because I loved the people in our previous class and have deep relationships with them. We still see them, of course, our church isn't so big that you can really avoid anyone if you wanted. But it's a different season in our life and things change. Minneapolis certainly changed us.

Anyway, in the new class we're trying out different things and one we're considering is The Wired Word, a resource that takes current events and turns them into Sunday school lessons. For $80/year the leader gets a weekly email with a LOT of information plus discussion questions about 2-3 topics. The one we looked at this last week was about books and their impact on us as people of faith.

One of the questions that stumped me was something like "What book (other than the Bible) do you wish you'd read at a younger age?" Others in the class had good answers, but because of my Swiss cheese memory and despite being a pretty voracious reader, I couldn't think of a good answer. Even now a few days later I don't have a single book I could point to. (One that did come to mind but is not the point is my favorite breastfeeding book by Dr Jack Newman and how I wish I'd had that resource when I was in my nursing relationship with Jane!)

Something I wish I had been more aware of is the colonization of Native Americans in our country. I grew up in a place called Indiahoma, i.e. home of the Indians, and had many classmates and friends who were of Native descent. My attitudes toward them were not always fair, especially when they received school supplies and shoes from the government. Knowing what I do now changes my perspective significantly. But I'm not sure a kid brain could process it fully? But I certainly could have been a less snotty little kid to others!

There's no one book I can point to that's shifted my thinking on this or other matters. But I have read books! I also follow people on social media, especially Twitter, who open my eyes to others' experiences and how words and actions matter.

I signed up to be a Reconciling United Methodist today (who knew you could do that?!), and I think the new Sunday school class will work together to gain a reconciling designation as well. It's a small step toward a reconciling CONGREGATION, which I don't see happening for our church any time soon as much as I wish it would. I will continue to seek steps to seek justice and reconciliation for all people within the United Methodist Church.

On Saying Goodbye

I'm a member of the United Methodist Church, which is a connectional church and has an itinerant ministry model. Our pastors are moved every so often. Except, of course, in the cases of big churches with big budgets, which get to decide how long they keep their pastors without interference from the regional bishop.

Our church is in the middle of such a transition. Our senior pastor left at the end of June -- moving onto a bigger, better church in New Orleans. Not by his choice, but gone nonetheless. We have a new lead pastor, a woman, which is incredible. But transitions are hard. I like her very much and think it will be for the best somehow -- she's here for this time and this place. But I hate change.

I hadn't been close to a pastor in many years. The last time I remember feeling this bad when a pastor moved on was as a kid when the pastor who baptized me (also a woman!) was moved. I got to see her a few more times during college because she was at a church close to there and I was able to visit her, and I'm sure eventually it wasn't a big deal to go to church without her being there.

But I hadn't opened my heart up like that since, in part due to self-preservation and also because I was the one who kept moving -- college, then grad school, then here for work and there for marriage. Finally here, to Baton Rouge, for my husband's job. I always attended churches -- United Methodist Churches in fact -- but I stayed away from the deep, personal relationships.

So I became more a part of this church, my current church, and work hard alongside the people and the pastor. I counted him as a friend in addition to mentor and guide of sorts. I also just really liked him, enjoyed seeing him at least once a week and hearing his sermons. And he LOVES my kids, which is probably the #1 way to my heart.

So I'm still processing the goodbye. And wondering if it's worth it to make myself open to that kind of pain again. It's one thing when I'm the one moving on and something else completely when I'm the one being left.

I don't know -- these thoughts are certainly diluted by the three weeks of time away from the old pastor and three weeks with the new pastor. And I know things are fine, or they will be soon. This isn't a crisis in the big picture. This just is the way things are...

Maternal Separation Anxiety

I'm volunteering for my church's VBS. Jane is in the "levelers" crew for The Maker Fun Factory. It's a pretty cute curriculum, and Jane is very happy and loves being so busy. Livia stays in the nursery, and yesterday, day one, was pretty hard. But only for me!

Livia loves all the toys and probably the attention from the workers. There are only 3-4 kids at any given time and plenty of things to check out and do.

Yesterday I was kind of a wreck, and I hated being away from her. I couldn't just go check on her/get a quick hug because I knew that would mess her up. As soon as I went into the nursery she started saying "BYE! BYE!" to everyone, ready to go. And today she cried a little and handed me her water bottle ready to go. Both days I sat and hung out for a bit before we left for the closing VBS songs.

I know it's normal, and she's exhibiting age appropriate attachment. I am sure I felt this way when I was leaving Jane for the first times. So I'm probably normal too. Today was actually much better, and I didn't feel quite as anxious. Maybe it will get progressively better as the week goes on.

As an aside, I'm the photographer for this event. So I'm just floating around the VBS and taking pictures of kids doing this and that. Both days I've taken nearly 300 photos (yikes!), with about 70-80 being usable. But I feel like it's not a very good contribution. Everyone there has cell phones and could easily take (and are taking) plenty of photos. (Who really needs 70+ photos each day?!)

So that adds to the "why am I even here if I'm not needed?" aspect of things and I could be looking after my own baby. BUT she needs the practice so I can get in a better gym rhythm, although the YMCA child care is a different story and Livia cries when I drop her off, even when Jane is there with her. There are more kids, more stuff and I guess it's just less familiar or something.

Still finding our way... And I guess I'll keep shooting the VBS event. It beats cleaning toilets (which another volunteer did because we have a surplus of volunteers and our custodian is out with lung issues)...

Church Service without Worship

Our church had a "Lessons & Carols" service this past Sunday, and something about it has irked me ever since. It took me a couple days to realize what bothered me.

It was a well-attended service. There were extra chairs added to our gym-turned-sanctuary (while construction is under way in the actual sanctuary), and with only one service instead of two it was definitely packed even with regulars. There were also lots of guests.

The music and readings were beautiful and meaningful.

But my complaint (?) was that there was no congregational response. There was one line of response after the lighting of the Advent wreath candles, but we didn't even sing "Emmanuel" as response as we have all of this Advent (and Advents past, if memory serves).

The congregation sang no carols. We did no responsive reading. There was no communion. (I go to 8:30 service and we have communion every week.) There wasn't even a formal prayer. (I do understand music can be a form of prayer though.)

Basically it was a performance in the strictest sense of the word. We didn't even stand up the entire service.

So I've felt a little off this week. I didn't have a communal worship experience. And I guess it shows me that I've come to rely on that grounding, especially in times like these. I haven't said anything to the people who plan worship, but hopefully someone else will and they'll realize that next year's service like this needs more participation. Last year's "Lessons & Carols" did include congregational responses, prayers, etc.

I'll be glad to get back to regularly scheduled programming in the new year.

Volunteering with Gritted Teeth

I'm a volunteer at my church. It's become a bigger "position" than I expected at first, and I just kind of fell into it. There wasn't a time when someone asked "will you do X, Y and Z." It was more like "we need help with our website," and I lunged at the chance.

The responsibilities morphed as I kept seeing more things that could be done and took on additional responsibilities when asked. When I was going to be out for maternity leave I suggested the church hire an intern to take over for a few months. That morphed into something entirely, and I've been told jokingly (perhaps?) that I've been fired because ...

The church hired a communications director, which really is great. She has zero communications experience, which is not so great.

She'll work out fine, and I've been spending even more time training her. And of course NOTHING is being done to my liking. I'm biting my tongue and sitting on my hands a lot. (Or bitching about it to anyone who will listen and on my blog here...)

There are still places I can contribute, and I'm still leading the communications "team" of volunteers, although I'm hoping that responsibility will eventually fade away if this new hire can be a true leader. I vacillate from wanting to control everything to wanting to completely wash my hands of the whole thing and only attend church as a "visitor" of sorts or to somehow contribute in other, non-communications ways.

And as much as my Type A personality clashes, I know what I want to do -- either option, all or nothing -- is not the right thing.

Recently our pastor prayed before a leadership meeting, and a line stuck out to me enough that I wrote it down: "Our relationships are more important than the work."

That's so the truth, and it's also a very hard truth to deal with, at least for me. I want the work done flawlessly (or at least to my liking!) and on time. But what I should really want is to cultivate a relationship with this new friend and let the work sort itself out. (I think?)

Also if I had a regular job of my own this would all be moot as I wouldn't have time or energy to be upset about any of the church communications. (Maybe?) Being a stay-at-home mom and taking care of the girls is a full-time job, but it definitely leaves space for me to fret about stuff like this.

I'll never change myself or my feelings about it, but I CAN change how I react to things and temper what I actually say. Maybe if I fake it I'll make it?

Flood Recovery

Nothing happened to me because of the Louisiana flood. But it could have. There's nothing about my character or where I chose to live that exempted me from the flood waters. It just happened that the mega rain did not fall over my house. But others in our community were not so lucky, if luck is even the right word.

Together Baton Rouge is an organization that was started several years ago to address issues of social justice and bringing the community together in rational ways to solve problems. Boy have they stepped up and been incredible in their efforts for this flood recovery. I'm proud to support them financially, and I hope you'll consider a donation too.

As a Methodist I'm proud that no matter where the disaster we are always on the ground. UMCOR is another great option for your donation dollars, and for the Louisiana flood going through the Louisiana Annual Conference is a good idea too. Our church did a lot of work in the initial week after the flood, and we continue to house "second responders," or those teams of volunteers who have expertise in gutting houses and came out to do just that.

I still feel out of sorts -- I should be DOING something -- I am experiencing no negative outcomes to this flood that hits SO CLOSE to home. My life is uninterrupted, while those so nearby are still shattered. (Although I still have the "excuse" of nursing mother to keep me out of heavy work ... although if I look at myself I'm so weak I doubt I could do the physical labor required even without the need to remain with my baby almost all the time...)

The national media coverage -- rather the lack thereof -- is problematic for getting recovery dollars and private donations flowing into the community. It's also understandable if infuriating. There's no one to "blame" in the flood scenario is something I've read often, and really that means there is no villain other than mother nature. And we can pound our heads against the wall all we want there's no changing that.

But I also don't think the national media scoffs at stories of the Cajun Navy or people saving each other. It's just less compelling perhaps the farther you are from the tragedy. That's true as human nature I guess or at least the way our media system is set up now. I didn't give a lot of thought to Superstorm Sandy even though we'd recently moved from the area hit when it happened in 2012 and even though it got A LOT more national coverage.

A lot of donations have come directly to families via GoFundMe accounts that have been set up. I've donated to one for my friend. But the awful part of that is GoFundMe takes 8% off the top. I knew it was a bad idea and I should have bought a gift card or just sent her a check directly. Blurgh. 


The other instinct that has kicked in during this time "after" is the desire to clean out all my crap. For several days I looked around and thought about the things on the floor/low shelves would just be gone should water come in. And how that would probably be OK for most of the stuff. And should I take steps to eliminate excess material goods? (Yes, a thousand times, yes.)

I've also been cutting way back on spending on non-consumables. We're still doing grocery shopping and getting medicines (wait for the post on how much fighting the breast infection is costing me to see that math...), but I haven't been shopping for new clothes or shoes or anything, even as back-to-school sales are in full swing. (I did buckle today at Target during the back-to-school clearance items, so I'm sure it won't be long before I'm back to my regular type of spending habit.) We have plenty and there's no need. We should put that money toward helping others rebuild their lives. What else is there to do?

These are the main thoughts that have been on repeat in the last few weeks. In addition to the deep sense of gratitude for remaining high and dry.

Jane's Stewardship Thoughts

January is stewardship month at our church this year, so the first sermon of 2016 set the ground work. Our pastor talked about  how we can grasp too tightly to the gifts God gives us. The thought puzzle was that letting go brings more and grasping or clinging brings less. (He cited Parker Palmer's The Promise of Paradox for that concept.)

Tuesday during lunch, apropos of nothing, Jane said, "When you close your hands tight you say no to God. when you open them up you are saying yes," and she did the accompanying hand motions. I asked where she learned that and she said "church" very nonchalantly. I asked - "from Pastor Jay's sermon?" And she said, "Yeah." (Kind of like - you were there too - don't you remember?!)

SO -- at least part of the stewardship message is getting through a 4-year-old's skull, and I take this as strong evidence to support my fervent belief that kids belong in worship with us. I also hope my heart and mind can be as open as hers is, and that as a family we can take steps to increase our giving, even in a time of our life that's got some financial uncertainty, at least as far as my earning power goes.

Disappointing People

The church website redesign is basically complete except for a few tweaks that the guy we're PAYING to work on it has to complete. It's been nearly two months since we launched, and he hasn't found the time to finish up. We already paid his invoice, including some extra time for these items (he estimated 2 hours, so seriously how could he have not found two hours to finish in two months?!). I finally heard from him that he's out of town/not working at all this week so...

One of the things I needed his help on was mobile-friendly email templates. We're still using Constant Contact, which is fine/everyone knows how to use, but it's an additional expense to Business Catalyst, which is supposed to be our all-in-one solution for web and email marketing needs. It would be if I were savvier and/or if this technical contact had time to complete the work.

Every time I try to modify the mobile-friendly templates that came with our website theme I manage to mess up something that makes the email look fine on a computer but not big enough text on a phone or tablet. That may have to be enough for the Advent devotional guide emails that start next Sunday because I can't use Constant Contact for those without creating individual daily emails that BC can create automatically because I have the content set up as a blog to post daily. I've got to set those up this week - I was just waiting for the template, but it looks like I'll have to figure out a solution myself OR just be OK with a mobile un-friendly template.

Disappointing people works both ways.

Today I "passed the camera" for doing the church's sermon videos. A new member has an IT background/job and is willing...so quick as a wink -- literally two Sundays after he joined -- he's now in charge of recording and processing videos. Of course there's an issue with the sound on this week's video, which for the life of me I don't know how to fix. But I have a lot more grace for him about it than I did when I was responsible for screwed up videos. So we'll see how it all shakes out, but I definitely feel like I disappointed this guy by not helping him get the video to have audio. Argh.

During the web redesign I was in contact with a number of people trying to get updated content. Most ignored the request and we still have the same text and photos as we did before. If they're OK with it I'm OK with it. But one guy took the request VERY seriously and has come back to me several times with additional changes and re-thinking the picture he wanted me to use, etc. I laugh at his bottom line that "colorful is better," which is something I've heard from several non-web people so maybe it is true. In his case he wanted to replace a green-heavy photo of trees with a pink/orange-heavy photo of a sunset. That was fine with me, but I am pretty sure green is a color too. Oh well. It was something that stuck with me, but I think we're good with that page for now.

I almost made it through Sunday school today without being offended, but at the end the teacher decided to start talking about Syrian refugees in very negative terms and I just walked out. Shawn stayed (I also really had to go to the bathroom) and told me some more of what was said including "video doesn't lie." LOL! I don't know how to handle this, since I'm so diametrically opposed to the class viewpoint. I want to study Scripture, but I don't really want to hear hate and fear mongering presented as the correct and only way to interpret the Word. My bleeding heart is extra sensitive these days (and I know that many conservative Christians agree with me about the need to help and welcome refugees). I don't know who disappointed whom in this scenario, but it was stressing me out so I tacked it on here.

Reactions

In April I read Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving and Finding the Church by Rachel Held Evans. I cried my contacts out when I finished it, and I took some notes as a response at the time, thinking I would blog about it sometime. NaBloPoMo is a perfect opportunity, right?

My favorite parts were the personal stories - I am nosy and will read minutiae about almost anyone's life. I loved the honesty. I've read Evans' other books and regularly read her blog. She writes some great stuff. I admire her and wish I could be as bold and clear in writing about my faith, not to mention so articulate. She's a great writer.

Although my core beliefs haven't changed the way hers did I can identify with Evans' journey and story so much. I am still United Methodist, but my political leanings have done a 180 as my faith has developed, deepened and my understanding grown. I am so lucky to have grown up in my open denomination and to have had such role models of faith - especially my mom and Gran.

I also read Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why by Bart D. Erhman around the same time, so my notes are on the same page.

A lot of that book was kind of duh, big red truck stuff -- obviously the way manuscripts of any kind are passed down and copied down will introduce errors. But I don't doubt that Scripture has God's word. How else would we have it so many years later? God is big enough to speak even through errors and using fallible people.

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I am having another type of reaction -- to mosquito bites. The weather here is humid beyond belief, which is expected in Louisiana but not necessarily in late November. It's also warm -- yesterday we neared 80. After a bunch of rain a couple weeks ago while were in Tulsa tons of dormant mosquitoes rose up from hibernation in the ground and are EVERYWHERE. They're fat and slow but require constant vigilance to kill them if you stand outside at all.

On Sunday afternoon we went to a preschool friend's back yard birthday party. It was fun, and we had gorgeous weather. But I was chewed alive by the bugs (oh, and Jane got quite the shiner/skin abrasion under her eye on the bouncy house -- she's fine though). Two days later and the itching is unbearable at times -- mainly on my arms and hands, but there's also some bites on my B00Bs! The bites flare up -- itch and swell -- and then die down and cycle around. I've been using After Bite (kind of like this), which is basically a baking soda solution, It stings a little but helps. It's just ugh, and certainly sends me back to the bedbug era - oh-em-gee.

(Affiliate links used)

Copyright Issues and My Church

I have strong feelings about copyright law. I'm not an attorney, but I AM a writer and care about proper credit for published work and maintaining rights. My church doesn't see things the same way I do. And I'm not sure if I should say anything, and if so what.

Last Sunday, 11/8, a performance of a piece of music from a worship service was recorded and published on Facebook (although not the sermon of course...I think my blinding rage is turning to eye-rolling annoyance, so that's progress). I have recommended against doing this without getting permission first, but that advice went unheeded. Not that I'm surprised about that. 

There are mechanical licenses that can be obtained to grant permission to broadcast music recordings from worship services. I think we obtain permission to perform pieces during the services, so maybe that covers the re-broadcasting permission too and I'm overreacting. But I don't think so because when someone asked me about it before copying the music director and I wrote back with my "don't do this unless we get permission" she didn't chime in with "we've already got permission through these performance licenses." SO...

We're also doing an Advent devotional this year, and someone had the bright idea to make it a daily email. Guess who got to figure out how to implement that idea? That's right, me. But I figured it out (I THINK), even though using the new website content management system doesn't make anything easy. (In retrospect I should do like Upper Room and make a separate Blogger Blog with FeedBurner to manage the auto-emails, but I've already got this set up so we're at least going to try it out.)

Anyway, for the devotionals we asked members of the congregation to write, and some did. (I actually wrote two, and Jane drew a picture.) But we didn't get enough devotionals to cover all of Advent. So for the days without a church-specific devotional the associate pastor just pulled out some of her favorites from other published Advent books.

Uh...

I'm concerned that we don't have permission to use the three or four devotionals that are not church-specific, and I'm not comfortable sending out an email from our church claiming someone else's words as our own even if we do cite the book it originally came from. I did raise this issue with the associate pastor to ask if we had permission to use them. No response, so I probably won't get one unless I push it again.

It's entirely possible I'm overreacting in either or both cases. What do you think? Should I say something more? Let it go? I don't work there but I am involved.

God Loves...

We go to a Sunday school class at our church. Over a year ago we switched from one that had a lot of just slightly older than us couples that didn't include much Bible in the lessons to a class with mostly decades-older than us couples who directly study Scripture. Both classes are fine, but I am pretty sure I have more to gripe about with this one, although I'm staying the course for now.

As far as I can tell everyone else in the class is very right-leaning and conservative. That's cool, and I like being exposed to ideas different than mine. But some things are hard to swallow, especially when we completely disagree on Scripture interpretation. I also don't like their parenting advice (lots of spanking, for example) or the majority opinions on racism and justice (but that's another post). Pretty much every week there's something I don't agree with - minor or major. It makes good conversation fodder for Shawn and me, so I guess that's something.

A couple months ago there was an incident that left me in tears and obsessing through the week. I didn't write about it at the time because it was raw (and I wasn't really writing/it was right around the time of the Maker Faire). I'm not sure if dredging it back up now is a smart idea. But hey, it's NaBloPoMo, and I gotta write something! (It also puts into perspective my current rage/annoyance about the missed sermon video, being patronized by others and feeling my church volunteer work is really not valued ... but it doesn't eliminate that fury, unfortunately!)

We are studying the Bible using N.T. Wright's New Testament for Everyone (affiliate link). We were in Matthew 5, and one of the questions was something like "How do you reconcile and make friends?" I wrote and said something about remembering that the person I'm reconciling with is loved by God too. I was mainly thinking about being reconciled with others in the class when they say things that are so totally off the wall to me.

I got severely smacked down because the teacher and others in the class vehemently said God does NOT in fact love everyone. And it turned into this whole lecture of Satan still at work (as if I don't believe in evil because I believe God's love is stronger), and I got so upset I started to cry. It was really embarrassing.

Someone even said, "What good would it be to be a Christian if everyone were blessed the same and all were going to heaven?" I almost blew my top but didn't -- since I was already about to weep openly.

I know they're thinking of ISIS and "the other" people, but it just upset me beyond measure to think they're saying God does not love all of his creation. God's love is limitless, and I don't know how it works.

But they were acting like they do know for sure, even though the teacher said "I don't get to decide who is, it's not up to me to judge. That's above my pay grade." While obviously acting like he DOES know and gets to judge.

It was just ugly and I ran out crying after the closing prayer even though they wanted to keep talking about it.

The teacher emailed, apologizing for making me cry but not really for the main point. It took me more than a week to read the email and then reply, and only then after I'd talked to our pastor about it. I think eventually the teacher agreed with me that God does love people, even those who reject him. I think his vehemence might have been a semantics/vocabulary issue. (And points to a lack of respect for opposing view points, I think.)

In his email he tried to use the Prodigal Son parable to make his point -- saying that if the younger son had stayed away instead of coming back he would have always remained separated from his father. Yeah, duh. But that doesn't change that the father still loved him and wanted him to come back (making my point).

The conversation with our pastor was helpful, and he recommended some books and was nice about it. I didn't skip any classes, even though I really wanted to. I have a flair for the dramatic at times. I also came across this blog post, People We Shouldn't Love, the same week of this blow up. Its timing was providential, as it was making the points I couldn't articulate.

Birthday Flowers

Our church does a thing where people can put flowers on the altar in memory or honor of someone. When I realized Jane's birthday would be a Sunday this year I signed up for that week. Later we got the invite for my cousin's wedding on the same weekend, but I kept the slot.

Happy Birthday Flowers

I ordered flowers from the recommended florist because they have a key to the sanctuary and can deliver without someone be there. Ca-ching.

I hope the florist kicks back to the church or.makes an annual donation or something because damn. I spent more on the flowers than all her other gifts combined. And flowers die!

I only gave the instruction to "use pink," and pink they are. I still don't have a receipt because the florist has no website or email ability and didn't want to spend the 49 (?) cents to mail it to me. The florist said she would drop it at my house if she happened to be in the neighborhood. LOL. More top notch customer service. Good grief.

The flowers were gorgeous, and I was able to borrow a key to pick them up on Sunday afternoon so Jane could have them on her birthday. A good thing too since some were already wilting by Monday.

I don't think I will be signing up for another slot, although if I do I would buy Trader Joe's flowers and "deliver" them myself. Seems reminiscent of my Indiahoma-style wedding when we diy'ed the flowers!

Smoke Out My Ears

I was going to tweet about this, but couldn't figure out how to shrink it down to 140 characters. Then I remembered I needed to write a blog post today and I can use as many gee-dee characters as I want. AH.

A very minor church snafu has me all riled up and upset. I am IRRATIONALLY mad, blaming everyone (including myself) and full of rage about the whole thing.

I am responsible for recording, processing and posting the weekly sermon videos. Since we were out of town this week I asked someone else to please record. OK, no problem. This person is NOTORIOUSLY unreliable, but she is a video expert and can work a camera (I've had problems in the past with people not being able to make the camera work).

Unfortunately the battery I had left had somehow worn itself down -- despite being FULLY charged when I left it. Instead of recording the sermon like I asked she spent battery power on recording (copyrighted) music performance, which she then posted (against copyright, I'm sure -- there's another thing no one listens to me on) and "saved" the rest of the battery for these testimonial things they just HAD to record this week and this week only -- basically her side project. And she said she had plenty of battery left when she was done (so I assume she could have recorded the sermon anyway).

So she texted me all this -- first she asked me where the extra battery is while I was on the plane. This part is on me and is most certainly my fault because it was still at my house from when I took it to charge last week... and I didn't take it back during the week mainly because I wanted control of batteries and know which ones were fresh. Then she said that the pastor had told her to "not worry about filming" and for "Mari to not worry either."

STEAM RISING!!!

I basically told her I was disappointed but not surprised she didn't get it done and if I want something done I have to do it myself. I never get to see the sermon if I'm not there to record it.

Then she went and whined to the pastor, so HE texted me to clarify that he was the one who told her not to record. He wanted to be sure there's "no misunderstanding." I haven't responded to either crazy message -- BOTH of which are laced with faux niceties I've come to expect in the South -- "how are you feeling?" "how was your vacation?" (vacation my ass).

There IS NO MISUNDERSTANDING. This person (again) didn't do what she said she'd do. Full stop. Why she didn't do it is irrelevant to me.

Maybe I will feel better tomorrow, but honestly if I "shouldn't worry about it," then I am ready to turn in the computer I use to edit video and wash my hands of the entire thing. The upset has spilled over into everything else -- I was short with a waitress where we ate lunch and mad at Shawn about the stupidest stuff.

Travel and exhaustion make me even more irrational, I know. We didn't sleep well last night because other people at the hotel kept screaming in the hallways, including some obscenities. Jane slept through it but none of us got enough sleep before our ~5:15 a.m. wake up.

Volunteer Burnout

Match on Fire by Rexem

Right now I'm a work-from-home mom. I have a few freelance paying jobs that ebb and flow, but mostly my time while Jane is in school is open -- about 20 hours per week. One way I've filled it is through freelance work, emphasis on the free. Volunteer work  I can do from home is my favorite kind of volunteer work (see: social malcontent). But I'm getting dangerously close to burning out, in part because I operate at my highest professional level and take everything so seriously.

For my church I just completed a major website renovation and relaunch. I worked for hours and hours on the site, learning how to use the new system (Business Catalyst), transferring all site content and managing the contractor we hired to do some of the technical set-up. The site launched this week, but I still have more to do, specifically figuring out how to use the email marketing part of the system and then teaching it to all other staff who need to send out emails. Nothing is ever easy.

We also had a capital campaign in October, so I was doing a lot of extra work on that (and everything I posted during October I had to post to both the old and new sites!). There were a few in-person meetings and two events where I ran AV. I am not an AV person, so that was quite stressful. I also was on-site  photographer, which entails shooting, editing, posting and promoting.

These huge projects were on top of my regular, weekly volunteer work for the church -- creating and sending the weekly email blast, which has morphed into 2-3 additional emails per week about one thing or another; managing the social media, which includes tweeting sermon quotes through the week via Hootsuite; regular website posting/maintenance; and filming, posting and promoting the sermon each week. I also run a communications task force that meets monthly -- creating the agenda, running the meetings and distributing the minutes after-the-fact.

I am exhausted.

I also volunteer, although in much more limited capacities, for the LSU Campus Club, The Shepherd's Market (which is a project of a nonprofit linked to my church) and Jane's preschool. Everything I do is web related, so I'm volunteering with my particular skill set, which is good. I hope doing these things will be good for long-term career prospects since I still have current work to show and plenty of people who appreciate my efforts and theoretically could recommend me or serve as references.

Oh, and also to add to my manic stress levels -- during all of this I have had major computer problems. I've been through Dell Hell, which I'll write more about this month, but I've done a lot of the work on my 5+ year old clunky computer without all of my programs because the computer we bought in October 2014 became useless

No ma'am, I do not like to be called ma'am

Jane and me, at my "tent" where the craft was
an olive oil hand scrub that didn't go over well.

Last week was Vacation Bible School at our church. Jane had lots of fun and learned a lot in her first year at VBS. I think the songs were my favorite part, although Jane said she liked making candles the best.

One day her "tribe" got to plant a seed in a small decorated pot to take home. Unfortunately hers walked away somehow and we were searching around for it at the end of the morning. I asked one of her tribe leaders if she knew where it could be.

The leaders for Jane's tribe were all young teenage girls. This one was very polite and "yes, ma'am"-ed me, which raised my ire and made me want to scream. It feels forced/fake, even though I know that it is not at all fake for her.

We never did find the pot -- although Jane potted another one the next day because the girls felt guilty about it. The seeds actually sprouted, which is something that usually doesn't happen when I mix with plants.

Crochet Cross

The admin assistant at church has created a cross wall in her office, and she asked for donations/loans of crosses.

I have so much thread that I decided to whip up a crocheted cross. I made it in less than an hour, although the pattern was tricky enough that it took me a few tries to get it started correctly.

I forgot to take a picture before I gave it to her to hang, hence the wild picture with reflection from the fluorescent light. It was really easy to make, although clearly I could have framed it better. (It's not mounted, just in a regular 8x10 frame, which is tight enough to hold it in place -- I hope!)

I have so much thread that I should come up with more thread projects. I wonder if I could crochet a top for Jane by holding a couple or three strands together. It's cotton and with the right stitch it could be quite nice...