Geauxing To Vote

It's Election Day here in Louisiana. I early voted, and I'm team John Bel Edwards in the Governor's race, even though he's not nearly progressive enough for me. Even so the attack ads against him are saying he's "too liberal for Louisiana" and is in the pocket of national Democrats. Kind of a joke. He's pretty popular in general (he's a Democrat in name only basically), but there's a very real chance he will lose this election because of that party name. I am heart-stricken knowing that, as the opponent is just a mini-45, spouting similar racist and hateful catch phrases, dog whistles that are basically screams. How can you miss it? People I know and thought I respected campaign for him, post about his parties and generally gross me out.

I early voted last Friday so that I wouldn't have to worry today or take both girls with me to the polls. Our polling place rarely has lines and is easy in-and-out. But we had a church event in Lafayette today. We left at 8 and got home at almost 5. It's been a long day and I'm exhausted. I'm sure the election results won't make me feel any better.

There were two other races I cared about on the ballot - our state Senator race and our state House race. Both votes went to women Democrats who were both similarly maligned for being too liberal despite being pretty moderate Democrats. I get that it's politics, but it's also disheartening that being "liberal" is a smear here. Gerrymandering makes it very difficult for progressive (or even just non-lunatic) candidates to get elected around here.

Why does the state, in general, tend to vote against the best interests for the majority of its people?!

I wore my sticker as intended today.
I accidentally held it with this finger for the picture and then found the symbolism apt.
Bonus that it covered my forehead wrinkles...

Nightmares

We are on the other side of mid-terms; election results were not surprising to me. Here all of the people I voted for lost, and only a few of the amendment votes went the way I wanted. I'm heartened by the Democratic control of Congress, and I hope there will be SOME kind of check and balance of this terrifying, authoritarian presidency.

The most disheartening thing is the gerrymandering and how, once again, Democrat candidates as a whole received many more votes than Republicans. It's just that the Republicans drew the maps to be sure their candidates have a stronger hold. I realize a vote for Candidate A is not always a vote for Party B, but it's still a disgusting reminder of the crappiness of this system.

Some white guy on Twitter posted something like "elections are important, but remember than 99.9% of your every day life will not change based on what happens tonight." I saw that retweeted with comment so many times dissing it because what a privilege to say that. And that's *probably* true for me, but it would take one bad accident, one diagnosis, one job loss to put me in a bad situation. But even more than that I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE OTHER THAN MYSELF. I care deeply about the vulnerable populations of people who are being abused and mistreated by our government.

In another kind of nightmare, I had a "divorce dream," not necessarily about an actual divorce but certainly dreaming about Shawn leaving me for another, younger, beautiful woman. There's nothing in my life to suggest that actually happening other than my insecurities and general misfiring brain. But it still tinges my day with sadness even though it isn't real. The human brain is wild, man.

Not Ready to Make Nice.

I really liked this post, No, We Don't Have to "Get Over" Anything.

I’m not okay with this.
I’m not getting over it.
I’m not going to accept it.
I’m not going to move on.
I’m not going to shut up.

I’m not going to make nice or give the benefit of the doubt or hold my tongue or fake unity or pretend that my eyes don’t see what they see. They see clearly, and that of course is the source of my burden. I don’t want to see this, but I do.

Day by day new crazy things happen. Each new appointment brings a new awfulness to the scene.

(The Secretary of Education is particularly troubling, and we need to call and write our members of Congress to express our displeasure. She has no experience and is anti-public schools. If you have kids who go to school or did go to school, if you are a public school teacher or love a public school teacher, or if you just care about how we educate our kids in the U.S. this should matter to you!)

We also learn more about the admitted corruption in DT's past -- the foundation, the Trump University settlement -- and they pile on so fast that they get glossed over and kind of disappear in the mist. And we are seeing the corruption and wrongheadedness coming on our future. The future wherein our president uses his office and our nation to make himself, his family and his loyalists even richer at the expense of our nation's interests and safety. I still can't get over people voting for this. Even more baffling is people STILL insisting this will be a good thing. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Also the weird tweets and retweets. Are they sign of instability? Sign of regret (because doing this kind of thing with ANY OTHER JOB would get a person fired)? I certainly question the random tweets about flag burning becoming punishable by a year in jail or LOSING YOUR CITIZENSHIP?!?!?! (Supreme Court ruled it's a form of protected free speech, see the First Amendment.) That's wrong and scary. And the tweets came about after a segment on Fox News about flag burning -- this is what our country has come to. The president-elect watching cable news and tweeting while turning away actual national intelligence briefers.

What's ironic to me is that the correct way to retire a flag that is tattered and torn is to ... BURN IT in a special ceremony. I know that's not what protestors are doing and they're giving the finger to America by burning our flag. It's not something I would do myself, and I go around chasing Jane with her little flags from school making sure they don't stay on the ground once dropped (Girl Scout training alert!!!). But I still believe it's just a flag and it isn't magic.

So I'm still boiling over with anger about the election results. With terror. And trying to come up with actions and to gear myself up to actually call my representative and senators, all of whom are white, Republican men who vocally support DT and his policies. I am sure the staff would be polite, but I don't like using the phone for anything ... let alone something this big and important. It's anxiety leveling up.

I assume DT supporters aren't getting the same information or are choosing to interpret things differently? I just don't understand how support doesn't waver in a rational person's mind? But then I didn't think rational people could actually vote for him in the first place, as they voted against their own interests (unless their interest is white supremacy and/or no material support for poor people).

I hate everything about this.

More Terrifying Reading ... I refuse to look away.

Some articles about how to talk to people/persuade them, although I don't think anything will persuade white supremacists from their core beliefs, I have to hope that some of his supporters are open to dialogue:

Using Strategies to Persuade
And in Storify/Tweet form: Rhetorical Theory for the Dinner Table
From the Southern Poverty Law Center: Responding to Every Day Bigotry

An incomplete list of reasons why supporting Trump was such a bad idea:

• Misogyny: Trump and his supporters don't treat women as full equals. WOMEN ARE EQUAL TO MEN. This is more about just me being equal. This is also about my daughters being equal to your sons.
• Racism: Trump is supported by the KKK and the American Nazi Party. His supporters are violent and awful to people of color and a particular faith. His rhetoric has incited violence and continues to do so even more now.
• Media: Trump bashes the media and threatens reporters. Diminishing the Fourth Estate is absolutely a fascist government step. We're on our way to having a state-run media and no outside watchdog, which is what the news media is tasked with doing as part of our democracy.
• Inexperience/Incompetence: Trump literally doesn't understand how the government works. He's the least competent person for the job, far and away the worse choice of candidate. You may think "change is good," but when the change is this unqualified you've just created a power vacuum and the darkest, slimiest Washington insiders are the ones who will fill the void.
• Rhetoric: Drain the Swamp, America First and Keep Trains Running on Time are all catch phrases from authoritarian regimes (like the Nazis and Mussolini). THIS IS BAD. 
• ISIS: They endorsed Trump's candidacy and celebrated when he won. YOU ARE ON THE SIDE OF THE VERY THING YOU ARE AFRAID OF. (The only way I understand this is that they expect to fight and kill more Americans, and a president as thin-skinned and volatile as him will be more likely to make that happen ... not to mention Republicans are hawk-like re: war and more likely to want to send in troops.)
• Ties to Russia. You want a foreign government pulling the strings? You got it...

An amazing post about why everything about the transition so far is NOT NORMAL:

The one thing authoritarians want you to do is to accept that their conduct is normal, even when it is not. They do not want you to yearn for a freer, less oppressive and less corrupt time, and they do not want you to think it odd when, say, a government agency is purged or a bunch of protesters are arrested and vanish into the prisons without ever seeing trial. They want you to think it is normal when the President is openly selling your interests out to a foreign power, or when he is using the levers of government to materially enrich and empower his family. The presumption of normality during abnormal times is one of the most powerful weapons the authoritarian has, and that is why it is so important to recognize how profoundly abnormal Donald J. Trump will be as president.

I refuse! And although I feel awful and expect I'll continue to feel awful as long as we're faced with this reality I don't want to let it slide or get back to my regular emotional state. This is insanity.

Edit to add: I just realized from a Sen. Elizabeth Warren tweet that DT's positions are key for ISIS recruitment (i.e., he plays into their idea of big, bad America and they can radicalize more young men and women to their cause because of his rhetoric).

Registering & tracking Americans based on race or religion is idiotic. Disgusting. Unconstitutional. And it’s a recruiting bonanza for ISIS.

— Elizabeth Warren (@SenWarren) November 17, 2016

Hallelujah

This SNL cold open was powerful and, if not healing at least comforting, to me. I watched it live last night, and I was grateful I had decided to. I wasn't sure I could stand watching Alec Baldwin's Trump now that there's nothing at all funny about it. I definitely cried during the song. (And woah - Dave Chappelle was funny af.)

(FYI: Leonard Cohen's "Ain't No Cure For Love" was the song Shawn and I danced to at our wedding reception.)

Church this morning made me feel a little better and a little worse.

The sermon was good, although there was nothing condemning hate crimes, racism or vulnerable people. There was some mention of the "hurricane of a week," and the point was made ... I think. But I'm sure people of the opposite persuasion as me could read their own meaning into it.

Communion is always good. And a way to help me look at the bigger picture beyond just a nation falling.

BUT I also felt a little crazy ... because no one else seemed upset. Maybe no one could tell I'm upset either though, as I continued with me "just fine" answer while juggling the girls. Maybe things really won't impact the people I know. Maybe I'm overreacting.

But I don't think so.

How are you?

At the grocery store today I ran into a Sunday school classmate. She's easily 30 (40?) years older than me, and very kind. I like her so much.

But I also think she supports Trump. (6/10 white voters did, and that's probably higher here in blood red Louisiana so odds are...)

When she said hello and spoke to Livia, who was riding in the cart she asked "How are you?" and the automatic "Oh, we're fine" came out involuntarily.

I AM NOT FINE.

I didn't feel immediate anger toward her, and I guess I don't really feel that now. But I am not OK, I am hurt and mystified. And even in the moment I realized I should answer differently and tell her the truth. But instead I kept on with my shopping.

I'm reading a lot more than I should. Listening to bits and bobs of NPR when I can stand it. (On the way to the grocery store heard a story about how Planned Parenthood defunding would work and what it would mean to low income women ... and I got so upset. I still am, because taking away access to birth control and reproductive health care is the worst way to reduce the number of abortions, which is so important to an anti-choice/pro-life person.)

I guess I'm still kind of walking around in a fog.

But should I find the strength to be honest with people I KNOW have different opinions than me? Who love me and with whom I have Jesus in common? I am sure she would have responded in kindness ... maybe? I don't know. Some of the other classmates -- whom I'll see tomorrow -- would definitely be hateful and condescending. But she is my friend and has demonstrated her love for me and my family in the past.

It's so hard for me to imagine a rational person choosing Trump and this draconian policies he's promised. And if you think he's going to change his ways in office ... you're fooling yourself.

Some reading:

• Rules for Surviving Autocracy
• We have to create a culture that won't vote for Trump
• Trump's win boils down to white women
• I want to help you understand my lament

Perhaps the right question is "Are you OK?" And my answer is "No, but I think someday I will be." (Right???)

Self Care and Nursing Shirts

I've been reading some about "self care," which might just be "basic care," as in eating, moving your body, sleeping ... going through the motions of day-to-day living until you feel better. Part fake it til you make it and part genuine survival.

I've also seen a tweet that said "enough with the self care - this is why they think we can't be president" (or something like that). So yeah, there's that. Also an article about a harder kind of self care.

One thing I found mildly helpful was making a list of things that comfort me. I guess ways I can care for myself. That's somewhat trending on Twitter, at least I've seen a few similar lists. But I'm really not feeling much better.

Here's my list so far:

• My babies & husband 
• Cool air ... finally 
• Cake making videos 
• Crochet 
• Offline reading 
• Voyager (mid 7th season) 
• Sleep 
• Dixie Chicks music
• Consignment shopping

My favorite nursing shirt is on its last legs...

Today I wore my favorite nursing shirt, even though it is falling apart at the seams, especially the neckline. It's got a cool crochet inlay in the back, but after 2+ years wearing it with Jane it is a bit torn and tattered. But it's long, has pockets and is comfortable. So I save it for "special" occasions. (I've tried to find a replacement -- but Motherhood doesn't sell anything like it anymore and searches online for "nursing shirt with pockets" haven't been any more successful. I should be willing to pay $50 for a shirt I'd wear every week, but so far I'm not ... I digress.)

I don't know what right I have to feel so bad. It's the fear of the impending tyranny and stripping of rights -- for humans, for women and specifically for me. For my daughters. My disappointment over not seeing the first woman president may be subsiding slightly, but my abject terror of what's still to come only seems to ramp up.

And wearing a comfortable, useful shirt isn't really cutting it as far as successful self care, I'd say.

Also this, "a time to heal:"

The DayAfter

This wasn't what anyone expected, and certainly not the post I want to be writing.

Telling Jane that Hillary lost was a hard thing to do. She took it better than I expected, probably because she's five and it doesn't really mean anything to her.

But it meant a lot to me.

And someday it will to her too.

Because a vote for him was a vote for misogyny, sexism, racism, xenophobia and hate.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to face people knowing their support for the president elect and delight in his election when his policies are in direct opposition of my daughters' best interests.

I am hurting today, like so many others.

I am afraid for the future, but there's not as big a risk to me, being a white woman married to a white man with a professional career. But I am even more afraid for others whom the president elect has threatened with his rhetoric.

Today I got to work with the new communications director at church to film our pastor -- he did a new welcome video and some short Advent-series promos. (I was there just to train her on using the camera.) Advent season is so needed -- and the topics we'll be covering and he'll be preaching on sound like the balm my soul needs.

May we survive...

"To all the little girls watching...never doubt that you are valuable and powerful & deserving of every chance & opportunity in the world."

— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) November 9, 2016

On Five and a Historic Vote

Jane is five today - hip, hip hooray!

This always feels like a free space for NaBloPoMo. I can write about Jane's quirks -- stubborn as anyone I've ever met, strong and fierce, smart and beautiful -- and funny expressions -- "can you take me a bath?" (instead of give me a bath). I love her deep to my bones. She can push my buttons like no one else can, but she's also someone I feel happy to help even in the middle of the night when tummy aches strike after too much cake and too much bouncing at her birthday party!

Jane is my treasure!

Today is also election day, and there's plenty to say about that too!

We made our plan and got up early to go to the polls. We've never hard very long lines at our polling place. I'm not sure if that's white privilege, suburban privilege or just dumb luck. We vote at the local elementary school (where NONE of the local children actually attend, but that's another post).

I wore a pantsuit, of sorts. I don't own a colorful one or a white one, so black had to suffice. It's also too hot here for a jacket (STILL), but I rocked it to vote anyway. Once at the polls we didn't wait at all. Shawn was holding Livia and I took Jane with me. I made my selections on the electronic ballot, and Jane and I pushed the "cast ballot" button together.

I'm so grateful to be able to vote in this historic election! To do it on Jane's birthday makes it even better. Still terribly nervous about the election results, and I'll be glad when all of this is truly behind us!

Vote for Hillary Clinton on Jane's Fifth Birthday!

Vote For Hillary Clinton from Mari W. on Vimeo.

One week until my baby is five.

One week until we elect our first woman president.

ONE WEEK.

(Time has been passing so slowly in the anticipation of these two things!)

Jane's party is this weekend, so this week I have a ton of things to do for the party. We're having everyone come over to our house and got a bouncy castle thing. It's the first year we're inviting her entire class, and we don't have many RSVPs. The responses we do have will make a nice party, but I'm anxious about having enough food if more people do show up ...

Edit to add: OMG, it is NaBloPoMo! I almost forgot!!!