Breastfeeding Reading & Yeast Infection Update

I am cautiously optimistic that my deep breast duct yeast infection is under control. I'm still taking grapefruit seed extract twice a day and keeping up with the increased laundry with vinegar rinse, but my pain is gone. (The fear of pain is not, but that's to be expected I think.)

(Read about the cost of fighting this infection here.)

The search for answers led me to a wonderful book, Dr. Jack Newman's Guide to Breastfeeding. (I also found it in Barnes & Noble's "scratch and dent" for $5, but of course I paid full price!)

I'd recommend this book to any breastfeeding mom and actually any mom considering breastfeeding. It has the science behind breastfeeding well beyond just "breast is best." It explains the tricks and techniques formula companies use to get new customers, including enlisting doctors' help via free samples, office artwork, etc. (Criminal, in my opinion, since at the expense of babies' optimal health!) But even more it has best practices for breastfeeding -- getting started, troubleshooting, etc.

I bought it for the section about thrush/yeast of course. And although the candida protocol information is available on his website there's something about a book that provided me comfort. Reading the other sections have been good for informing my "lactivism," and I've come to believe even more in the power of breastmilk and the perfection of it as a baby food.

Backing up this belief: I have the chubby baby who so far is a somewhat reluctant eater of "real" food but a champion nurser who is big, strong and developing gorgeously.

The DayAfter

This wasn't what anyone expected, and certainly not the post I want to be writing.

Telling Jane that Hillary lost was a hard thing to do. She took it better than I expected, probably because she's five and it doesn't really mean anything to her.

But it meant a lot to me.

And someday it will to her too.

Because a vote for him was a vote for misogyny, sexism, racism, xenophobia and hate.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to face people knowing their support for the president elect and delight in his election when his policies are in direct opposition of my daughters' best interests.

I am hurting today, like so many others.

I am afraid for the future, but there's not as big a risk to me, being a white woman married to a white man with a professional career. But I am even more afraid for others whom the president elect has threatened with his rhetoric.

Today I got to work with the new communications director at church to film our pastor -- he did a new welcome video and some short Advent-series promos. (I was there just to train her on using the camera.) Advent season is so needed -- and the topics we'll be covering and he'll be preaching on sound like the balm my soul needs.

May we survive...

"To all the little girls watching...never doubt that you are valuable and powerful & deserving of every chance & opportunity in the world."

— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) November 9, 2016

On Five and a Historic Vote

Jane is five today - hip, hip hooray!

This always feels like a free space for NaBloPoMo. I can write about Jane's quirks -- stubborn as anyone I've ever met, strong and fierce, smart and beautiful -- and funny expressions -- "can you take me a bath?" (instead of give me a bath). I love her deep to my bones. She can push my buttons like no one else can, but she's also someone I feel happy to help even in the middle of the night when tummy aches strike after too much cake and too much bouncing at her birthday party!

Jane is my treasure!

Today is also election day, and there's plenty to say about that too!

We made our plan and got up early to go to the polls. We've never hard very long lines at our polling place. I'm not sure if that's white privilege, suburban privilege or just dumb luck. We vote at the local elementary school (where NONE of the local children actually attend, but that's another post).

I wore a pantsuit, of sorts. I don't own a colorful one or a white one, so black had to suffice. It's also too hot here for a jacket (STILL), but I rocked it to vote anyway. Once at the polls we didn't wait at all. Shawn was holding Livia and I took Jane with me. I made my selections on the electronic ballot, and Jane and I pushed the "cast ballot" button together.

I'm so grateful to be able to vote in this historic election! To do it on Jane's birthday makes it even better. Still terribly nervous about the election results, and I'll be glad when all of this is truly behind us!

Accepting Help (My bags are heavy.)

I carry too much.

On Sundays I carry a diaper bag, a Sunday school bag for me, a Sunday school bag for Jane and her church backpack full of stuff for her to look at/use during worship (although we've been having her carry it on the way home I usually have it in my hands). On the first Sundays of the month I'm also carrying a tote bag of groceries to donate to The Shepherd's Market food pantry. If I'm helping with video I carry the church's Mac laptop in another bag too. And of course carrying/wearing the baby, although Shawn handles that when he's with me.

People usually ask me if I want help, especially if Shawn isn't with me. My answer is an automatic, "I got it, thanks."

Because I do.

But sometimes help would be welcome. Help is needed. The bags are too heavy.

This is true for my metaphorical bags. They are heavy.

I'd like to get a hair cut, but arranging child care with an appointment has been tricky, and after one attempt I gave up.

I have some side work to do, and it's hard to concentrate. I need a couple hours to sit alone with my computer and get it done.

My house is messy and the piles of papers and magazines are stacking up. We just had a birthday party and I cleaned like a madwoman and hid even more junk. But the mess still mocks me. You're a stay-at-home mom and your house looks like this. Failure.

These bags are so heavy.

I am averse to asking for help. So averse. Because often I will be disappointed.

A church example -- I filled in for the video recorder a couple weeks ago and filmed/processed the sermon video. I plugged in the extra camera battery to charge, but I forgot to put it back in the bag after Sunday school. I emailed and asked the new communications director, who is at the church every day, if she could just go get it and put it back in the bag. (Instead of me making a special trip to church just to unplug a battery.) She emailed back to say she was on her way to do it and I let it go, assuming it was taken care of. When the regular video guy asked me about it I told him she should know where it is. But yesterday he told me  they finally found the battery plugged into the wall -- she had no idea what he was talking about when he asked her.

Basically the lesson from that and the way I feel about A LOT of stuff is if you want something done you HAVE to do it yourself. People will disappoint you everywhere you turn.

But does that really apply to my heavy bags?

So Tired. So Embarrassed.

Humiliating incident, and it hasn't actually happened yet (because she won't read her email until tomorrow).

I got an auto email from the secretary at Jane's school about the bill. She sent it to the whole school but it was personalized with the attachment specific to us. The formatting was bad and I replied, meaning to just send it to Shawn, with some snark about the formatting (basically "should I critique the formatting, which is bad? Not my circus or just LET IT BURN"). I realized it SECONDS after hitting send, but I hadn't *yet* turned on the unsend feature for gmail. I quickly googled and set it up, but not in time to make it work.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Well, I quickly replied again and apologized, asking her to disregard it and how embarrassed I am.

Maybe she won't even reply, because the last couple times I've emailed the school it's been a black hole. Somehow I doubt that will be true with this snark.

GOOD GRIEF. I shouldn't even be emailing. I shouldn't even be on my computer. I am so wiped out from the party, the time change and a full day of church and other obligations. But I had to blog today.

AND I have a work project to start, but I'm so tired and hot (thanks, Louisiana November) that I am just looking at a blank screen with a blinking cursor. (Cursing myself over that stupid, stupid email.)

Well, if that's the worst thing I do this week I'll be OK. Urgh. I just wish I could crank out this email article project as easily as a silly little blog post. (I really need to get back to writing from my list of ideas...)

Survived the Party

We survived Jane's fifth birthday party. We have only had small parties in previous years, and this was the first time we invited her whole class. I didn't get RSVPs from most kids, but six families came (some with siblings) and a couple friends we know from other places. So we had about 18 kids and at least that many grown ups.

We ate about half the cake, and only a few cupcakes were eaten. I was surprised that some of the kids really did say they didn't like chocolate!

Jane got some nice presents, but about three of them didn't have "from" tags on them, and she started opening them after some people had already left. Ugh. I am very into Thank You notes, so it's going to be difficult. I don't think everyone brought a present, which is perfectly fine, but I won't know who to thank and for the people who didn't put their name I'll have to say "thanks for coming to my party" instead. Them's the breaks.

My feet hurt so bad, even though I didn't leave our house today. I was on them for hours doing things during the party, helping kids, etc. And for at least half of the party I had Livia strapped to my back. She actually really likes it and fell asleep for a while. It's much easier on my back than carrying her on the front for some reason.

The bounce house was a huge success, and Jane loved it. She was sad when the guys came to pick it up. It was huge and had a slide and basketball hoop (we took her ball from her Little Tikes goal and it worked great). Some friends stayed after the party, so she had friends to bounce with for a couple more hours. I'd say she bounced at least 4 of the 6 hours we had the bounce house, so she is completely wiped out.

MAYBE she'll actually sleep the extra hour from DST ending? One can hope. (Well, two can hope actually since I'm sure Shawn would like that too.) There's probably no help for the baby, and we'll be up at 5 instead of 6 tomorrow.

I'm still going to stay up and watch Benedict Cumberbatch on SNL tonight. Zzzzzz...

A Baker I am NOT

My sister has a cake decorating business on the side. This is decidedly NOT in my skill set.

When I looked at buying Jane's birthday cake I balked at the price -- about $70 for a cake from a nice bakery that would have enough to feed as many people that *might* come. (That's another issue -- I'm getting RSVPs today for a party that's tomorrow!) This is the first year we've invited her entire class, so we have the potential for a few dozen people in our backyard. (Thank God for gorgeous weather!)

Anyway, I decided "I can do that" and planned to make the cake myself. I did do a test cake, and I picked the Pioneer Woman's "best chocolate sheet cake ever" because I wanted something to feed a crowd. I also bought a sheet pan to make it in! The cake was delicious, and my Sunday school class agreed. But it was thin and didn't seem very BIRTHDAY-y to me.

So my plan was to bake the cake twice and stack it up, using the fudgy frosting from the recipe, although without nuts, as a filling/on top of the first cake. Sounds good to me/easy enough, right? I even bought a box so that I could easily move the finished cake in and out of the fridge.

My first attempt at the cake was fine this morning, but I didn't put a lot of thought into how I would get it from the pan to the cake "platter," which ended up being a piece of cardboard wrapped in foil. And I tried to move the cake immediately/while it was still warm. FAIL. I had a broken cake, a crying baby (from being neglected) and serious agitation.

I threw the cake into a bowl and set it aside. I took care of Livia and tried again once she was napping. I was smarter and able to flip the cake onto a parchment-lined cookie sheet and then flipped again onto the foil cardboard. I put the fudgy, warm frosting on top of that layer then made the second cake. It also turned out fine and I put it in the fridge because I read layers are easier to work with when cold.

YEAH, they are, if they're out of the pan. D'oh. I didn't take this one out of the pan and it was impossible to get it out. And I'd used the last of my sugar on the third cake. Being the clever, clever girl I am I first tried using my iron to heat up the bottom of the pan and get the cake to release. It didn't work -- possibly because of lack of patience. I was baking cupcakes at the time (because what if someone doesn't like chocolate?), so I slipped the pan in for a couple minutes to warm it up. That worked and the cake released.

Back into the fridge to cool off some more. Good grief. The cake was still mostly cold, just wanted to chill it back as much as possible. The cake is so big it won't fit in my freezer, since we have a side-by-side and the freezer is smaller. ANYWAY.

My prayers worked because the cake layer did NOT crumble and I was able to place it on top of the fudgy frosting layer. I made a Mark Bittman chocolate buttercream recipe from a library book, and it technically wasn't enough. I got the top frosted really well and most of the sides, but it definitely doesn't look professional. I'm hoping the fudgy middle party will make up for that. Argh.

I also made vanilla buttercream and piped on Jane's name using letter cookie cutters to make an outline. It worked OK, but my star tip was crummy and it was just easier to draw a line. I also put sprinkles on and they migrated much farther across the cake than I intended. And in a dumb move I put sprinkles on the letters, kind of obscuring them. Hopefully people will think Jane helped and did that. (HA! She helped with the cupcakes, but not the cake itself.)

We'll see how it tastes tomorrow. I'll keep it in the fridge overnight and then pull it out in the morning so it can be room temperature for the party. I have ice cream to serve with it, and I'm making cake balls with the first destroyed cake. We'll see how those turn out. I'm not that hopeful, and honestly don't really feel like doing much more work tonight...

The moral of the story is that next time I am absolutely going to BUY a birthday cake. (And if someone doesn't like chocolate/whatever Jane chooses for her cake they can settle for ice cream!)

Book: Bad Feminism

I read this book last month, but I keep thinking about it and wanted to record the things I highlighted.

When I read the title I start singing "Bad Medicine" in my head, but of course with Feminism.

I loved most of this book, and the parts that weren't my favorites were just because I'd never read or heard of the material she was talking about so it was less relevant to me. (I am not an English Lit person, so while I'm fairly well read I am not as well read as the author!)

From my Kindle Notebook, which I learned about with this book. I can highlight things in an ebook (even a library ebook) and then export and email the notebook with the highlights.

"The notion that I should be fine with the status quo even if I am not wholly affected by the status quo is repulsive"

"To have privilege in one or more areas does not mean you are wholly privileged. Surrendering to the acceptance of privilege is difficult, but it is really all that is expected. What I remind myself, regularly, is this: the acknowledgment of my privilege is not a denial of the ways I have been and am marginalized, the ways I have suffered"

"Men invented nepotism and practically live by it. It’s okay for women to do it too."

Can't wait for Roxane Gay's next book to come out! I'm certainly a bad feminist but getting better all the time...

Costume: Cabbage Patch Kid

For Liv's first Halloween I dressed her up as a Cabbage Patch Kid doll. I don't remember how or why I saw the idea, but it combines crochet with nostalgia so sign me up!

I started by crocheting the Cabbage Patch Kid hat/wig, which was pretty easy and a riff on a regular baby hat (of which I've made so many I can nearly do it in my sleep). I learned a new stitch following this pattern and its video. But instead of making the whole hat with that stitch I just did the brim area. I did braids instead of big puffy pony tails. I may be remembering wrong, but I think my Cabbage Patch doll (Justine?) had braids. She definitely had this dark brown hair.

For the stroller box I had intended to use a more square box, but it ended up being too small. Shawn had ordered some baby gates that came in a box that ended up working out perfectly. "Real" Cabbage Patch doll boxes have clear cellophane across the top, but this one is cut out in the back and front with an opening for the stroller handle. The box slipped over the stroller easily, which made for simple transport.

I used plastic table cloths (about $1 each at the dollar store) to wrap the box and to place on the stroller for her to sit on. If I'd been more intense I could have painted the box and/or added green trim around the box opening. It's clear I free-handed everything. And I like the hand-made/laziness it evokes.

I printed the Cabbage patch logo, some generic flowers and a 2016 ribbon (which I made in Word) and cut them out then taped them on with shipping tape. When I was putting this together I ran out of tape. I swear I go through packing tape like crazy ... and we haven't moved in more than five years, so I don't know where it goes. Luckily I started before I needed the costume finished and had time to buy more tape.

I printed a "birth certificate," although it isn't really visible in the picture (it's by the baby's left shoulder). I used the logo and copied a certificate from online in style and used my baby's name and birth date. I taped it in place too.

My daughter wore clothes and shoes of mine from when I was a little girl, so vintage early 80s stuff. It really completed the look, although the wig/hat itself was enough to get the point across!

The costume was a big hit at our church's trunk-or-treat, and some of the trick-or-treaters even stopped to take their picture with her! I thought that was kind of neat. (Also many of them were like "huh? what's a Cabbage Patch?" but it was the moms who got it!)

Jane wore an Iron Man costume, and I'll have a post about that later this week.

Vote for Hillary Clinton on Jane's Fifth Birthday!

Vote For Hillary Clinton from Mari W. on Vimeo.

One week until my baby is five.

One week until we elect our first woman president.

ONE WEEK.

(Time has been passing so slowly in the anticipation of these two things!)

Jane's party is this weekend, so this week I have a ton of things to do for the party. We're having everyone come over to our house and got a bouncy castle thing. It's the first year we're inviting her entire class, and we don't have many RSVPs. The responses we do have will make a nice party, but I'm anxious about having enough food if more people do show up ...

Edit to add: OMG, it is NaBloPoMo! I almost forgot!!!

Read: I'm Judging You

We were at a party this weekend and someone was talking about how much he hates ebooks and prefer paper books. I actually have come to love ebooks, although I enjoy paper books too. One of his gripes was that you can't highlight ebooks or keep notes. Uh... that's untrue, although it takes some figuring out. My Kindle allows highlights and then you can export a "notebook" of those highlighted parts at the end. (Although I agree that for note taking and school purposes I'd much prefer paper to digital books.)

These were my highlighted parts of "I'm Judging You: The Do-Better Manual" by Luvvie Ajayi:

 

The red stripes on the flag are really the blood of Black and brown people, and many centuries after the country’s creation, these stains still have not faded.

Racism is not a byproduct as much as it’s the foundational stock in the American soup.

Black people actually have to PROVE their humanity, instead of having it accepted as a given.

We’re saying that white people benefit from an automatic position of privilege because of their skin color in a larger racist society.

We know all lives should matter, but ALL lives cannot matter until Black lives matter, too.

Words used within a marginalized group are not always appropriate when used by an outsider.

Rape culture is the prevailing attitude that women exist primarily to please men, and therefore are not equal human beings with agency over their own bodies.

The questionable personal decisions we sometimes make do not excuse the bad decisions others make, especially when it comes to how they interact with us.

Believing that people should make their own choices about their own lives is ultimately what I think it means to be a feminist.

Wanting equal rights for women is not synonymous with wanting fewer rights for men,

Organized religion, practiced fundamentally and literally, is a strong tool of control. So I understand why people do not believe in it or a higher power. 

 

(I really liked the book and would recommend it.)

Crochet: Snow Queen Hat

Jane had a princess party last week (at Build-a-Bear - such a fun party, although I'm sure expensive for the birthday girl's family since every kid got to pick out a bear and outfit!). Jane already had this Elsa dress (made by my aunt), and I thought it would be fun to make her an Elsa hat/wig.

I googled for inspiration and found a pattern of sorts at Repeat Crafter Me. I used my own basic hat pattern (I've made enough that it's second nature to do the bases) using half double crochets. Then I added a folded over piece of loooong yarn to each stitch in the last row, swooped them all to the side and braided. I had Jane wear the hat while I braided, and I'm not sure I could have braided otherwise. She was also helpful holding the yarn as I swooped/twisted the back and then the front before bringing them together to braid.

I bought some snowflake buttons for $2 at Walmart (Christmas snowflake decorations would have been bigger/better, but the Xmas stuff isn't out yet). I sewed on two at the last minute and away we went to the party!

Jane got loads of compliments on the hat, and I'm really proud of it. She wore it the whole party even though it was pretty hot in the store. When I took the hat off it had pressed around her head a bit where the hair was, so I think if I made this again I'd make the hate a smidge bigger -- maybe a half round extra increases -- because the hair swoop tightens it a bit.

Fun for dress up play, and I'm sure it won't be hard to make a coordinating Anna hat/wig. Maybe for baby sister?!

Crochet: Sunshine Blanket

I crocheted this blanket -- called Sunshine from the book Little Crochet Modern Baby Designs -- for my college friend who had her first baby in August.

I had started this more than a year ago, and the pattern proved too hard. It's got some pineapple stitches, and the stitch markers required  to get things right muddled my brain. I'd set it aside for a number of months. But when I found out this friend was pregnant I picked it up again and had a much easier time. My hook was flying!

My friend didn't share the gender of her baby before the birth, so I was hoping this yarn I'd chosen would be gender neutral. Of course as it worked up the orangish color in the variegated yarn started looking VERY pink and I knew this was a "girl" blanket.

After I finished this I started on an alternate "boy" blanket -- a cool technique with the corner-to-corner stitch but changing colors to make a picture appear -- but I never got into it enough to get it done before her baby (A DAUGHTER!) was born.

Basically I think this blanket belonged to this baby girl all along, since I had so much trouble doing it before she existed and then it came so easily once I was making it for her.

Now I have a work-in-progress of the owl blanket, and it's not as easy as I thought it would be because of how many color changes there are -- my yarn is getting tangled, I have knots in the yarn from just annoying yarn and I gave up at least for now

Cost of Fighting A Ductal Yeast Infection

I am still fighting a ductal yeast infection in my breast -- candida during breastfeeding or however you say it. It's the pits. I've spent significant time and some good chunks of change on my efforts to kill the yeast. I am cautiously optimistic that this infection is nearly gone. Knock on wood and cross all your fingers! Here's a rough estimate of what I've done since early July to get here:

• Six weeks of diflucan -- this is the actual prescription medication, and I'm lucky my insurance covers it. Apparently it was expensive as a brand name but is now available as generic flucanozole. I couldn't convince my doctor to prescribe it longer (I didn't try very hard), although the protocol says it should be continued until symptoms are gone for a full week. (I had not had a full week of symptom free when I stopped the diflucan, but I think I have now, or at least very nearly symptom-free.) 

• All Purpose Nipple Ointment -- another one that needed to be prescribed. I had to get it at a compounding pharmacy that doesn't take insurance. It's $75, although I put in for it to be reimbursed by insurance. They sent a check for $10 without explanation. We still need to follow up on that one, but say $65.

• Grapefruit seed extract -- I have this orally as well as topically as a liquid. I mix the liquid into water (15 drops in a half shot glass) and use a Q-tip to saturate the nipple after nursing and follow up with the APNO. Liquid cost $11. Orally I take 250 mg three times per day. On Amazon it's about $11 for 60 pills, so a 20 day supply. I've probably been taking it for 8 weeks because I started it as soon as it seemed this was likely yeast. I've definitely purchased it five times so far (counting twice at Whole Foods in 125 mg dose, so the bottle doesn't last quite as long) and am working my way through the fifth bottle. (So $55 so far.)

• Gentian violet -- this took me a while to find because I kept thinking I would find it locally. In the end I could have ordered and received it from Amazon several times over, so I just did that ($10) and waited 2 more days. This does help, although I'm not sure how long it's OK to use. The protocol says on for 7 days then stop. If it hasn't worked in 7 days it won't. BUT it can be repeated. So I don't know. I do it, then stop and have symptoms flare and start again. It is HELLA messy and I hate it. I like purple OK but not on my poor baby's mouth. At church this week she had a big purple mustache and I had to get into my infection/medicine with more people than I would have liked (I should have agreed to others' ideas -- purple marker or a bruise). Definitely not what I had in mind when I say I want to help normalize breast feeding. (Update since I started this post - I was able to stop the gentian violet after about 3 cycles, so 21 days total using it. I've been off it for more than a week, and I know it's there to try again if symptoms flare.)

• Probiotics - buy locally at Whole Foods and also bought some inferior ones at CVS ($11 down the tubes) - $22 x two so far. They have to be refrigerated and need to be taken separately from the Grapefruit Seed Extract (which would just kill the probiotics I think). So I don't remember to take them too often, but at least once a day before bed and sometimes in the afternoon too. I think that's a good sign that I don't remember and am getting better!

• Vinegar for washing clothes and towels - minimal cost but for the sake of completion - $2. I wash everything of the baby's and everything that touches my breasts (bras, towels, etc.) in hot water with vinegar rinse. Acidity kills (?) the yeast, or at least inhibits its growth.

• Paper towels to limit yeast from towels on my hands after washing and limit chances of re-infection (not entirely convinced this is necessary) - $4, estimated because we use paper towels normally. I just kept a roll in the bathroom to use with each hand wash there and have used about 4 rolls over the time I've been doing this.

• Jack Newman book: Dr. Jack Newman's Guide to Breastfeeding, includes the candida protocol I am trying to follow. $22.

• Lactation consultation - should have been $95, although maybe insurance would have covered it. I got my consultation free because while I was waiting for a call back in the hospital waiting area I was hassled by a security guard about breast feeding and that I needed to go to their special rooms/couldn't just nurse in the lobby even covered up. I tweeted my indignation, which got the communications people's attention and I was given a personal apology and the consultation for free, which was nice. It was helpful because they were the ones who agreed that it was more likely yeast. They weren't used to seeing such big/older babies though. If nothing else it made me feel like someone in the medical system actually cared about me/my pain at that point (when my doctor was out of town).

• Monistat 7 - before I got the APNO - $11

So adding all that up we're at $224 actually spent (not including the $95 the lactation consultation would have cost). I'd gladly throw money at this problem just to get better and it was the TIME more than anything that has been hard to deal with. I've been robbed of pleasure with my baby, and while we're still nursing and everything is great with her growth and health I am battered and beaten down from this experience. I hope I can bounce back and continue to get better until completely, truly healed. And I hope you never experience this. If you do/found this via Google please feel free to email me for empathy!

Tell Me I'm Fat

Last week I finally listened to the This American Life episode "Tell Me I'm Fat." It was put together around the release of Lindy West's book "Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman," which I pre-ordered and read when it was published earlier this year. I've loved West's writing since Jezebel, and I really liked the book. I loaned it to my sister before I could go back and make notes for this post, but I checked it out from the library electronically and copied out some of what I wanted to remember/share.

I am fat, but like Roxane Gay says in the TAL episode I'm "Lane Bryant fat," meaning I can still move about in the world and there are places I can buy clothes. In Shrill West talks about that too --

"I’ve always been fat, but I was the fat person that still mostly fit. While I couldn’t fit into regular-lady clothes (more bejeweled tunics covered with skulls, cherries, and antique postage stamps, please!), and I had to be careful with butt safety (I once Godzilla’d an entire lunch setting while trying to sidle through a Parisian cafe), I was still the kind of fat person who could move through the straight-sized world without causing too many ripples. Until I couldn’t."

I'm the kind of fat person who can move through the straight-sized world without causing too many ripples. I want to be OK with my body as it is without giving that body license to break down (or something). I want to remember this, also from Shrill:

"Please don’t forget: I am my body. When my body gets smaller, it is still me. When my body gets bigger, it is still me. There is not a thin woman inside me, awaiting excavation. I am one piece."

And I want my girls to know that too. My value, their value is so much more than our bodies. Women don't have to be a certain size to be worthy of love and respect. Another of the acts in the TAL episode was about a woman who lost a significant amount of weight and got everything she ever wanted (relationship, acting jobs, etc.) once she was thin. I feel like I have everything I ever wanted, although perhaps I'm missing something???

My daughters are also an impetus for wanting to be less fat -- mainly to be able to move through the world more easily (socially as well as just literally moving more easily). And ideally to stay in this world longer. (I say that not that fat equals unhealthy, but I am a heavier weight when I'm not taking care of myself -- less exercise, more sugar, etc.)

Lots to think about and remember for discussions down the line.

No more affiliate links via Amazon, since Louisiana changed its law to require taxes be paid up front Amazon just shut down the affiliates program for anyone living in the state. So there's that...

Flood Recovery

Nothing happened to me because of the Louisiana flood. But it could have. There's nothing about my character or where I chose to live that exempted me from the flood waters. It just happened that the mega rain did not fall over my house. But others in our community were not so lucky, if luck is even the right word.

Together Baton Rouge is an organization that was started several years ago to address issues of social justice and bringing the community together in rational ways to solve problems. Boy have they stepped up and been incredible in their efforts for this flood recovery. I'm proud to support them financially, and I hope you'll consider a donation too.

As a Methodist I'm proud that no matter where the disaster we are always on the ground. UMCOR is another great option for your donation dollars, and for the Louisiana flood going through the Louisiana Annual Conference is a good idea too. Our church did a lot of work in the initial week after the flood, and we continue to house "second responders," or those teams of volunteers who have expertise in gutting houses and came out to do just that.

I still feel out of sorts -- I should be DOING something -- I am experiencing no negative outcomes to this flood that hits SO CLOSE to home. My life is uninterrupted, while those so nearby are still shattered. (Although I still have the "excuse" of nursing mother to keep me out of heavy work ... although if I look at myself I'm so weak I doubt I could do the physical labor required even without the need to remain with my baby almost all the time...)

The national media coverage -- rather the lack thereof -- is problematic for getting recovery dollars and private donations flowing into the community. It's also understandable if infuriating. There's no one to "blame" in the flood scenario is something I've read often, and really that means there is no villain other than mother nature. And we can pound our heads against the wall all we want there's no changing that.

But I also don't think the national media scoffs at stories of the Cajun Navy or people saving each other. It's just less compelling perhaps the farther you are from the tragedy. That's true as human nature I guess or at least the way our media system is set up now. I didn't give a lot of thought to Superstorm Sandy even though we'd recently moved from the area hit when it happened in 2012 and even though it got A LOT more national coverage.

A lot of donations have come directly to families via GoFundMe accounts that have been set up. I've donated to one for my friend. But the awful part of that is GoFundMe takes 8% off the top. I knew it was a bad idea and I should have bought a gift card or just sent her a check directly. Blurgh. 


The other instinct that has kicked in during this time "after" is the desire to clean out all my crap. For several days I looked around and thought about the things on the floor/low shelves would just be gone should water come in. And how that would probably be OK for most of the stuff. And should I take steps to eliminate excess material goods? (Yes, a thousand times, yes.)

I've also been cutting way back on spending on non-consumables. We're still doing grocery shopping and getting medicines (wait for the post on how much fighting the breast infection is costing me to see that math...), but I haven't been shopping for new clothes or shoes or anything, even as back-to-school sales are in full swing. (I did buckle today at Target during the back-to-school clearance items, so I'm sure it won't be long before I'm back to my regular type of spending habit.) We have plenty and there's no need. We should put that money toward helping others rebuild their lives. What else is there to do?

These are the main thoughts that have been on repeat in the last few weeks. In addition to the deep sense of gratitude for remaining high and dry.

On an Island

We live in Baton Rouge, which has seen its share of tragedies this summer. The latest is a flood of epic proportions.

All around us there is devastation.

Our home is fine. We are fine. We have power, Internet and plenty of food and water.

There's no threat to our home now. We're in a high spot and away from where the biggest rains fell. We are also far enough away from bodies of water that we shouldn't suffer flooding from the backflow (which I still don't understand).

But I'm still unsettled, anxious and often find myself on the brink of tears.

We are so lucky. But what are we to do?

Our church is a short-term shelter for now, and I've been helping out with the communications/social media aspect of that as I can. I haven't brought myself to go to church and volunteer directly (although the way is clear and we went for worship on Sunday). Having the girls and being a nursing mom makes that much harder, and I can't tell if they're overwhelmed with volunteers already and an extra three people (since that's what I really am) would be more in the way than helpful. But that adds a level of guilt. I should be giving up some of my things and more of my time in constructive ways more than anxiety stressing.

We haven't been out of the house since Sunday. The roads around us are clear, but where is there to go? I got groceries on Sunday afternoon, and it was a madhouse and scary with a half-flooded parking lot that I later heard had an alligator in it (hopefully a false rumor, but certainly not unbelievable). We're a little stir crazy too. TBD on when Jane's school will actually start.

On Facebook I've seen a lot of complaints about how the flood isn't receiving national news coverage. I guess the cable news networks aren't covering it too much. I've read a few stories about "disaster porn" and maybe we're not important since it's an unknown city and Louisiana floods all the time so we should be ready for it. I don't know what national coverage would do to help things. Would people donate more? I don't know. But the disaster is staggering.

Oh, and my breast infection is definitely yeast and hasn't fully healed yet. I have been taking medication for several weeks that helps but hasn't been able to completely eliminate it. I am due for a refill tomorrow, but I don't know if I can reach my doctor OR if she'll agree to give me more (it's not a narcotic, but it is expensive and not usually used for so long). I was off it for two days last week and the pains came roaring back so she gave me another week. That's a personal anxiety but it hums in the background, increasing my general unease, malaise and ennui...

Breastfeeding Madness

I've written about breastfeeding before, including a recent post on The Mommy-Go-Round. And when I talk or write about breastfeeding I AM INSUFFERABLE!

It's so easy, she said. Anyone can do it, she said.

NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Consider me humbled, crow eaten and in awe of moms who make it through breastfeeding challenges. If I experienced this the first time around and didn't know how easy it is to "open bra, push baby to breast, go back to eating/reading/scrolling" I'm not sure we would have made it to seven months of exclusive breastfeeding, let alone 26 months total! 

Everything went great with Jane (although reading back in the posts I did have a bout of mastitis that I cleared up without much trouble). But for the past couple weeks I've been in the land of eat-your-words, because breastfeeding has been anything but easy.

To start I had a sore nipple, maybe seemed like a milk bleb. I did hot compresses and lots of nursing to get it open, but it kept hurting and last Wednesday night I got the shock of my life when knife-like pains started internally in my breast, basically all throughout the milk ducts, after my last nursing of the evening.

I've done so much internet sleuthing, but it didn't seem like mastitis (no fever/chills) and didn't seem like yeast/thrush because Livia didn't have any symptoms and mine weren't typical and it was only on one side.

I started calling the doctor's office right away on Thursday afternoon after a terrible bout with pain, but because I felt some better when I called on Friday they didn't seem to be in any rush to have me be seen. Then I had to wait over the weekend to come in, and it got worse and worse (a couple hours of level 9/10 pain after each nursing on the right side).

So far I've been to a nurse practitioner (who diagnosed mastitis even without any mastitis symptoms) and prescribed an antibiotic. Then I had a lactation consultation, and they think it sounds more like yeast, and they recommended treating with diflucan. My doctor's office prescribed that, but only one dose, which is what is recommended for a vaginal yeast infection, with a second dose 7 days later.

The lactation consultants all referred me to "Tips from the Trenches," and the handout on yeast (and everywhere else on the internet) recommends a much longer-term dosing (instead of one dose you take a double dose and then one dose daily for 14 days). So far the doctor's office has said "no way" to that and told me to continue the antibiotic (even though an antibiotic can wipe out the good bacteria that can help fight off the yeast organisms).

I also got some advice on a better latch with Livia. She was pretty wild during the consultation -- slipping on and off the breast and chomping more than usual. It's most comfortable when she's calm/sleepy and can just get down to business. But having to TRY with the latch after months of pain-free automatic nursing has been difficult.

But the PAIN has been the worst. My nipple is still sore (got some prescription cream for that now, although I had to ask if that was OK/it was never offered as an option) so nursing/initial latch is painful. But it's nothing compared to the feeling after nursing is done and the yeast starts attacking.

My pain is worse in the mornings after the first feed, although I do have pain throughout the day after nursings. PERHAPS it's because I go so long in the night between feeds (Livia and I like to sleep) and I have been hesitant to nurse on the right overnight because I know the pain will wake me up totally. But tonight I'm going to try and nurse on the right and hope the morning pain is more manageable. I'm also going to take some ibuprofen in the night, which might help.

In my own opinion, not being an MD or nurse, I have a very stubborn and strong yeast infection that will need the bigger course of diflucan. In the meantime I'm trying grapefruit seed extract, taking high doses of probiotics to counteract the antibiotic and still looking for gentian violet locally (as usual if I'd just ordered it on Amazon once I suspected yeast I could have been using it already). For the pain I'm taking double doses of ibuprofen spaced 6-8 hours apart. It doesn't really touch the pain at all, unfortunately.

There's also the risk of re-infection and the breastfeeding literature says baby and mom should be treated simultaneously to prevent spreading it back and forth. So far Livi has no symptoms so her pediatrician won't treat for it. I hope it stays that way, and that if she does get symptoms we can do some gentian violet or similar to knock it out fast. There's lots of extra laundry in that towels and burp rags, baby clothes and bras all have to be washed in hot water with vinegar rinse. All the breast pump parts and any pacifiers/toys that go in her mouth have to be washed AND boiled (daily!). I've already melted some of her best toys doing that, so I've been limiting what I let her put in her mouth to things that are definitely washable/boilable or that I don't care if they get ruined.

I plan to write a Mommy-Go-Round post after all is said and done -- and to eat my crow in a more public way. And I have a lot more to say about the experience emotionally. But in the mean time, that's where I am now.

Being in Two Places

Out and about -- photo by Aunt B

I'm 12 weeks into this "having two kids" life, and so far it's pretty great. The age difference is good, as Jane is happy to have a baby sister and helpful most of the time. We've had our moments, and someone from church said "Oh, I hate a four-year age difference ... just think about one in high school while the other is in college." (Or something like that -- I honestly can't really remember her objection logic.)

But the age difference also has struggles, but it's really just the struggle of having a newborn during the heat of the summer and wanting to maintain Jane's active schedule.

I've wanted to be in two places at once so many times already, starting with a field trip at Jane's school when Livia was just a few weeks old (I couldn't even walk properly yet, so it was impossible to consider) and the latest being taking Jane to the Finding Dory movie yesterday (my sister and nephew did that for me).

Basically Livia needs me right now, while Jane needs someone to do activities with her and that can be daddy, Aunt B or a friend. I can still do a lot with her, and we do. I've been taking her to swim lessons this week while Aunt B watches Livia -- two hours away at a time is the longest I've stretched it so far, and it was doable but not my favorite. We also go to the library, since that's something Livia can easily come along for. But I couldn't volunteer at VBS so Jane was there alone, and I can't take her to the water park or similar.

Yesterday the Mommy-Go-Round blog published one of my last (or last?) blog posts - Bringing Home Baby #2. (I could look it up whether I've submitted anymore. I honestly can't remember.)

More Writing ...

My freelance (emphasis on the free) writing continues to be published on my hospital's blog, The Mommy-Go-Round, and my doula's blog at Birth Help. Here are a few recent posts:

Better Birth Through Improved Communication
I’m a communications professional by trade with degrees in journalism and years of experience in public relations. I excel with the written word and communicating within a marketing framework. Communicating is my vocation, but when it came to talking to my doctor about my wishes for childbirth I came up short. Standing up for myself and what I need does not come naturally to me.
I needed some help to become a more effective communicator in the doctor-patient relationship.

VBAC Success: I Will Push This Baby Out of My Vagina
Despite everything stacking up against my desire for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) – previous big baby, ultrasound estimating an even bigger baby, being overdue and having gestational diabetes – I was ultimately successful and delivered my second daughter vaginally.

Our Jaundice Experience
Both my daughters had jaundice, a condition in which the baby’s blood contains too much bilirubin and makes her skin and eyes appear yellow. My older daughter’s jaundice resolved itself on its own, but my younger daughter born at the end of March had a more severe case. She had a lot of risk factors – exclusively breastfed, larger baby (born 10 lbs, 8 oz.) and our blood types were incompatible, which seemed to be the thing that worried the pediatrician the most.

A Mama's Choice: Getting Started Breastfeeding
I breastfed my first daughter for 26 months, and that nursing relationship was a very healing thing for me after the disappointment of my C-section. I’m proud of myself and my body for feeding and nourishing her for so long. So I knew no matter how my second birth went I would be a nursing mom again for this second baby.

I have high hopes to actually write more HERE and have a list of posts I'd like to write (and have probably written dozens of times in my head). Nothing earth shattering but just continuing to chronicle bits and pieces of this life I'm living. Time at a keyboard is limited, and I'm also trying to work on a (paid!) freelance project and ease back into my volunteer work at church.